Dr. Date

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Dear Dr. Date,

I met a guy this summer who is possibly the greatest guy I've ever known. He is coming here this weekend and has set aside Saturday to spend with me. He doesn't know I'm digging him and I don't know if he has any feelings for me.

Do you have any ideas on how to spend the day/evening?

-Lusting Lady

Dear Lusting Lady,

I'm not following your premise. You think he's the greatest guy you've ever known, and he has set aside Saturday to spend with you … but you don't know if he has any feelings for you? Something doesn't compute.

Well, dear, I guess if you want him that much but you're truly not even sure about his feelings, (despite fairly good evidence that he's into you, at least a little) then shedding garments and hopping right in the sack is a sure recipe for transforming yourself into a one night stand.

(To be fair, Magic Coin completely disagrees with me. I sometimes give him a shot on Wednesdays, but lately Magic Coin has been acting like the devil's own pocket change)

Here is a Top 10 list of ways to keep Mr. Right from turning into Mr. One Night.

1) Get him to take you to a buffet instead of an expensive eatery. That way you can say, "You paid $7.95 for my lunch and now you want a (sn)ow job?"

2) Ask him about his parents. Find out when you will be meeting the parents. If there are no plans for you to meet the parents, ever, then guess what...

You're Miss Nookie, 2007. Here's your crown. You'll note it's made of pearly stuff, not rhinestones.

3) Pick a movie to watch that you want to see, out of morbid curiosity, but which you know you really won't enjoy. This works kind of like the cheap buffet. You just say something like, "You took me to a lame movie about an old hockey star, and now you want to get your puck in my net?"

4) Look through photo albums together, or the modern digital equivalent. Your photos will do, but his are better. If he has no interest in telling you stories about his family and childhood, then guess what...

He doesn't really picture a future where you will become a significant part of his life story.

5) Find out what he thinks about the idea of going shopping at an adult movie and novelty store. His reaction will tell you a lot about whether he pictures you dressed in a bride's dress or handcuffed to a velvet swing.

Arg. OK, Magic Coin insists on presenting alternatives, working on the theory that you can't attract a bee unless you give him at least a little taste of nectar. So here are some alternative ideas:

6) There is a new restaurant in Dinkytown called Pagoda, and its menu shouts "sexy and sophisticated but won't break your wallet."

Ignore the $5 and $7 items. Order in the $16 range and touch your toes against his legs.

7) Don't ask about his family. Ask about his sexual history.

8) It doesn't really matter what movie you're watching at a theater. Saying, "Hey, let's sit all the way in the back" speaks volumes.

9) Surf the Internet together and see where THAT leads.

Inevitably, you'll end up on some raunchy Web site without intending to go there. Well, what can two people do when they're momentarily trapped in a room with an X-rated video?

Look at each other silently for a moment. Breathe hard. Bite lip. Then it's "monkey see, monkey do" time.

10) If the idea of shopping at an adult movie store comes up, you say, "Is there anything there we can't come up with ourselves?"

-Dr. Date

Dear Doctor Date,

So there is this girl I know. I've been good friends with her for about a year and a half now.

We went on a date once back when we were starting to know each other, but some other guy was fighting really hard for her and I wasn't even sure I wanted a relationship, so I backed off.

But now after all this time, the relationship is still there. We hang out a lot. I know I like being around her. In fact, just talking to her can make me smile. You know what I mean?

Only thing is, she is so hard to read! I think she's dropping clues, like stealing one of my sweatshirts and always hanging out with me, but she claims she doesn't want a boyfriend and she seems pretty happy with the independent life.

I like her, but I have no idea if she likes me. How do I test the water without falling in? And I guess because we are such close friends I feel weird asking her out on a date or something.

How do I show I want something more when we are already so close?

-Out of Ideas

Dear Out,

Good heavens, lad, you've gone out exploring and somehow fallen into a rift in space-time. Now you're in the cold, dark land of Just Friends.

The worst part is you don't even know it. I can hardly recall the last time I saw such a severe case of this malady.

Check your wrist. Do you still have a pulse? How about the other stuff? Is any of that still working?

Thank goodness all you've lost is a sweatshirt. Some men lose most of their consumer credit line, buying expensive dinners for girls who never intend to do anything but hang out.

Some men have even been tricked into buying shoes and have made late night runs to 24-hour convenience stores to purchase - here, insert music from the bloody shower scene in "Psycho." -TAMPONS!

The rules of modern, civilized human relationships require you to give her at least one final opportunity to clarify her intentions, but then you need to run away screaming as quickly as possible before you squander months, years of the all-important college dating scene to a young woman who, at some secret level, kind of wishes you were gay.

Only because it's Halloween can I run your scary letter.

-Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

Are you male or female?

-Jana Shortal, KARE-11 News Extra

Dear Miss Shortal,

I have serious doubts about the veracity of this e-mail, but here is your answer, anyway:

Magic Coin is tired. He says, "Bye-bye, Magic Coin go nappy time now."

Jana, it's hard to find good help these days. I'm seriously thinking of outsourcing Magic Coin to some Indian coinage, made of attractive, affordable stainless steel.

-Dr. Date