Holla Backlash

Enjoy your Turkey Day next Thursday, darlings, since your beloved Holla's gonna be M.I.A. on Thanksgiving with the rest o' the Daily folk. Much like Batman, Holla can only be seen when the call of A&E resounds on a Thursday! We're mysterious like that. Plus, we gotta eat ourselves into a tryptophan coma just like ya'll, of course! (Holla's partial to the sweet potatoes with gooey marshmallows baked on top ... mmm-mmm good!)

So in honor of that blessed upcoming feast, we're gonna speculate on how our cherished celebs spend their day of thanks!

Side a mash 'n some slaw, Ma

First on our little tour o' Turkey Days is the Spears household - who'd ya think we were gonna go to first?

November 22nd starts with Britters rollin' outta bed around 2 in the afternoon, hollering, "Hey ya'll, I'm gonna run to KFC to get us some fried chicken for Thanksgivin'!" Of course babygirl throws some sheer little top over her hot-pink bra and ever-expanding waistline, forgetting in her hungover haze that homegirl is no "Slave 4 U" Brit anymore, and stomps down the stairs of her Malibu mansion in those hideous brown boots she insists on wearing every single day of her increasingly kooky life.

Her babies cower in fear to see their mother approach, nasty-ass weave bedraggled and lips all swollen and greased-up with Wal-Mart lipgloss. "Sean P. and Jayden, come on with momma 'cause we're gonna get some Kentucky Fried Chicken!"

They hop in the Mercedes and - whoops - run a red light! Of course, Britney's too busy chain-smoking Marlboro Lights and yammering on her cell phone to realize that she's just put her precious spawn in mortal danger, but obviously the folks at X17 got it all on tape!

The bucket of fried deliciousness is delivered to Brit's car by a charming paparazzo, but of course girlfriend needs to make a pit stop at Starbucks! In the backseat, Jayden and Sean P. are clutching one another's itsy-bitsy hands praying that mommy watches the road this time! But at least she put some Pepsi in their bottles! Happy Thanksgiving, Unfitney dear!

Emo, NE

Though Brit-Brit might be celebrating this day of gluttony in the best way she knows how - stuffing her zit-laden visage with ultra-processed fast food and slamming down sugar-avalanches from omnipresent Starbucks - on the flipside Conor "Bright Eyes" Oberst sits listlessly at his grandmother's table and stares at the slices of white meat heaped on his plate.

"What's the matter, honey?" queries petite white-haired, bespectacled Grandma Oberst.

"Grandma," Conor cries, "you've murdered the very soul of this living, breathing bird! How can we possibly think to indulge in this dinner when millions of people are starving? Oh, my heart is a cesspool of desperation!"

Big, fat tears begin to roll down his pallid cheeks as he pushes his dark hair over his weepy eyes and commences some very dramatic but still quite whispery and ultra-indie sobbing.

"The world is too painful to look at! Nobody understands the anguish and despair I feel! I have to write a song about this so everyone can know the injustices of life!"

Granny O. pats her glum grandson's shaky 'n skinny shoulder and asks very, very gently as to not stir the pot of his emo-tions any more violently, "Would you rather have some tofurkey, sweetie pie?"

The logic of multinational Thanksgiving

In a happier locale, namely whatever international hotel the Brangelina clan is taking up rez this week, Maddox, Zahara, Pax and Shiloh are reminded very tenderly by Momma Angie and Poppa Brad that they'd better eat their asparagus because thousands of little children just like them (literally) are not so lucky as to have Thanksgiving dinner since mommy hasn't gotten the legal ability to adopt them all just yet!

But in a few years they'll all get to share Thanksgiving together - all 399,465 Jolie-Pitts! How heartwarming! Say it with us: awwww!

Hey, you gonna hit that?

The Winehouse abode is a lil' less Norman Rockwell, that's for sure! Since hubby Blake's been takin' up residence in the Crowbar Motel, Miz Amy's been really hittin' the bottle sans her sweetheart! Let's peek inside her druggie den of squalor, shall we, Hollababes?

Why, look at the Jack Daniel's bottles smashed all across the floor! Is that a syringe stuck in Wino's bedraggled beehive? Ah, and look at that turkey carcass in the corner next to the spilled bong-water!

Seems Amy spent all of Thursday tokin' up and ate the entire bird! Hopefully that pot-induced greediness'll put some meat on her chicken bones!

A little sugar and very, very little Spice

Meanwhile, David Beckham and his three strapping young lads are enjoying their premier American Thanksgiving; their 17 personal chefs have put together a first-rate feast on this sunshiny L.A. Thursday! Mashed potatoes! Delicious, rich gravy! A perfectly golden and aromatic turkey! Mouthwatering pumpkin pie! No fish 'n chips or Yorkshire pudding here, not in the land of the free and the home of the brave!

But Posh Spice herself, Vicky B in her six-inch Louboutins, skintight leather pants and silicone boob-hoisting D&G corset, is only ingesting a few soybeans and insisting she's just not hungry! Well, her loss! More for Holla!

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, Holla-fans! We're obviously sooo thankful for YOU! (P.S. Go drop some dollas on Black Friday, too! The economy's flagging!)