Dr. Date

>Dear Dr. Date,

One of my friends is dating a girl I have liked for several years. She is adorable, interesting and sweet and has always been in awful relationships.

My friend, on the other hand, frankly doesn't deserve her. He's dating her because she's hot, not because of how wonderful she is.

Anyway, she has been dropping a few hints she likes me. And seeing her and my friend together drives me nuts. She deserves so much better and they have no chemistry. But at the same time, I don't feel appropriate moving forward with anything.

What should I do?

-Hopeless

Dear Hopeless,

It really comes down to whether you're merely jealous and thinks she deserves better or whether you truly believe she might be The One.

If you don't feel intensely, blood boiling strong about it, then don't get in there and compete. This guy is your friend, after all, and liking a girl because she's hot may be what he says to you, but who knows what else he feels which he doesn't actually tell you?

If, on the other hand, you feel intensely about her, I think you should make your move. What were you planning to do with this guy friend of yours? Buy a house together and make pancakes in the morning for the rest of your life?

Just play fair. Don't say bad things about your friend to this girl. That would be (shall we say?) unsportsmanlike. Don't urge her to cheat. It goes without saying you should not be a stalker.

If their commitment moves to a deeper level, then at some point you should not cross that boundary. Where the boundary is, exactly, is a judgment in the stages prior to engagement and marriage.

If you can't make yourself play hard, that's fine. You're what they call a "nice guy."

You know how THAT'S going to work out.

-Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I have a somewhat peculiar issue. This spring will wrap up my fourth year here at the University, and I have never before had to seek your advice.

I am in a happy, healthy relationship with a wonderful girl. So what is the problem, you ask?

I have this friend, let's call him "Ralph." We have been good friends for a few years, now. We spend a lot of time together due to the fact we share the same hobbies and interests.

About a month ago, it was brought to my attention Ralph might be gay. For me.

At first I dismissed this, but lately I have noticed some odd behaviors. He definitely has been "flirtatious" with me. He always makes excuses to sit by or near me, and gets noticeably disappointed when I have to alter our plans or commitments.

His Facebook account says he is interested in women, but I'm not sure I believe it.

How do I find out if he longs for my loins without hurting our friendship?

Every time we hang out now I can't help but wonder if he would like to "get to know me better," but I am afraid asking him outright could ruin our friendship.

Whenever we hang out in a group, our other friends make gay jokes (constantly) and Ralph always laughs along, but maybe he is just in denial.

Any advice on how to seek the truth would be helpful.

-Not So Bi-Curious

Dear Not So,

There are three logical possibilities, here.

First, Ralph might not be gay at all, contrary to the rumor. (And that's what it is, a rumor.) If this is the case, you don't really have an issue, just a big misunderstanding.

Second, Ralph might be gay, but not long for your loins at all. You're just kidding yourself about the desirability of your loins. Once again, if this is the case you don't really have a problem.

Third possibility; Ralph is gay and does indeed long for your loins. In this case, you have a problem because you'll have to tell Ralph you want to be "just friends" and he can't have those loins, not even a little taste of loin-age.

What do I always say about "just friends?" It is cruel. The other person is always wanting, never having, stewing in their own juices like a chicken in a crock pot with a dash of zesty herbs. (Lemon grass! Mmmmm)

See it from the other person's perspective and find a way to end the agony.

If you have affection for Ralph (and it sure seems like you do) then ending the agony might be best.

However, it appears (if what you heard is true) Ralph isn't out of the closet. This makes life really complicated. Ralph could live like this for years, possibly the rest of his life.

However, being "closeted" is associated with all kinds of bad things. Living a lie. Increased suicide risk. Loss of self-esteem.

So it's even more complicated than telling you not to make Ralph endure the horrible world of "just friends."

See if you can find out. Not to settle the issue about who desires your loins, but to point Ralph in the direction of accepting who he is and getting in touch with groups (some right here on this campus) who can help and support him.

I'd also like to add this: Some straight people think inside every gay person is a little straight person dying to get out. By the same token, some gay people think inside every straight person is a little gay person dying to get out.

In my opinion, they're both wrong and setting themselves up to be severely disappointed.

-Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I've been in a "friends with benefits" relationship the last few months. It was going so well and I was having a blast hanging out. Recently they approached me and told me that we were getting "too close" and we should stop having sex and just be friends.

I can not do this because I have sexual feelings for them and without the sex, well, it would be too difficult for me and they do not understand that. What should I do?

Should I just continue being friends and just hope they change their minds? Or should I just move on and find another little philly to pursue?

-Confused And Horny

Dear C & H,

Sorry to break it to you, but you just got dumped. And now you're in the "just friends" category, which is worse than merely being dumped.

You should move on. Also, it sounds like you weren't really playing by the "friends with benefits" emotional rules due to the intensity of your feelings.

That makes sense. The whole "friends with benefits" thing is, in the long run, contrary to the nature of the human heart.

-Dr. Date