Holla Backlash

Hey, so Holla's a bit lazy. It's hot out and mojitos are the only fresh thing on TV (so what if it's just on the commercials?). So this week, Holla decided to play an old trick and attack an easy target: Corporate America. So "make a run for the border" of your mind while we help you "think outside the bun." Dong!

Comcast: the Big Old Expensive Phone Company

Ever noticed that every other commercial is a Comcast commercial? (If you don't have cable - you poor deprived children, Holla will watch a whole "Fresh Prince" marathon on Nick at Nite in your honor - you may not have noticed this.) The commercials play on Comcast service to people who already have Comcast, essentially presenting various arguments about why we shouldn't angrily cancel our subscriptions. For the sake of your beat-up neurons, Holla has compiled a list of Comcast's strategies so you don't have to.

1. Be the little guy

Remember the ads where corporate execs sing and dance about how they are the "big old expensive phone company?" Holla hates those the most.

America has always loved the little guy (no, we're not talking about Ben Stiller or David Spade. Holla means the metaphorical kind, the underdog, the boxer with a missing finger).

In these ads, Comcast is trying to get behind that sweaty glisten of "we built it from the ground" capitalism, which is a mockery considering that Comcast is the exact huge, sh-ty, way-too-rich company they are making fun of. Boo! Where are Holla's tomatoes?

2. Pretty colors all over the screen

Everybody loves kaleidoscopes, and those spinny stencils that make crazy math shapes with your gel pens. Advertisers often use this weakness to entrance us into their rainbowy world, bringing us back the days when we laid in a crib and stared at our singing mobiles all day.

Comcast re-enacts this with its zooming text and its prices that pop up on the screen along with cheerful jelly-bean-colored patterns. Nothing evil here. Holla thinks these ads are Comcast's best bet.

3. The Slowskys

The Slowskys are turtles who like sudoku and DSL. This is a funny idea. It recalls Holla's respect for the Geico gecko. Can't fault a fake animal advocating a company. Or in this case, a lame animal hating a company.

While these are all probably fairly expensive advertisements coming from high-end ad firms, Comcast has a new strategy that particularly interests Holla.

Most of the commercials center on the idea that most people would never think of Comcast when they think of phones. (Holla's not sure what most people associate with phones. Telemarketers? Their mothers? Snoop Dogg ring tones?) It is usually a twentysomething, fairly pretty woman, just sitting around, still looking mildly shocked from her new discovery that Comcast has phone service. There is nothing fancy about them; in fact, they look cheap and tacky.

But Holla contends that this is their new strategy. Having the "Big Old Executive Phone Company" as their enemy was too much of a joke. Just the slickness of that ad made Comcast look rich. Instead, they've started to make ads so cheap that we might think Comcast is poor, and less of a huge Godzilla company with a fat-walleted CEO pulling the strings from the inside.

Lately, Holla's Internet service hasn't been working. Holla just might take the voodoo doll across the room and send some bad vibes the corporation's way.

Holla-tics Corner

Check ya selves corporate corrupters - Holla's in the hiz-ouse!

June 2, 2008 - Wolf Haldenstein, Adler Freeman & Herz LLP filed a class action lawsuit in the U.S. District Court, Southern District of New York, representing all current and former employees of recently disgraced The Bear Stearns Companies, Inc. Holla h-o-p-e-s those courts do n-o-t go E-Z on them Bear Stearns (More like B.S., amiright?) dolla-dodgin' dopes like they did Holla's girl Britneyyy! Bear Stearns compensation - in part - assumed the form of restricted stock units and/or capital accumulation plan units (or "CAP Units"), issued to the plaintiffs pursuant to Bear Stearns "RSU Plan" and "CAP Plan," and whose rights to either were vested, thus providing them a current entitlement to be compensated and/or credited via an equivalent number of shares of Bear Stearns common stock. Daaang Holla's lil darlin's! If B.S. (oooo Holla's b-a-d!) doesn't pony up the dollas (hollas?!), it's lookin' like it might be the R-Kel trail all over again - no video this time, puh-lease! The possibility of said legal retribution would occur post deferral period (Dec. 14 2007 and Feb. 14 2008) against Bear Stearns and select higher-ups alleging fraud pursuant to Sections 10(b) and 20(a) of the Exchange Act and Rule 10b-5 promulgated there under by the SEC. Yikers! Holla don't know much about "post deferral periods," but Holla does know lil' Jamie Lynn can finally start havin' hers again! Uhh, too-young-to-have-been-preggers in the first place anyone? Chea. The case in question will be known as Bransbourg v. The Bear Stearns Companies, Inc., et al. A copy of the complaint filed in these actions is available from the U.S. District court and is also viewable on the Wolf Haldenstein Adler Freeman & Herz LLP Web site at www.whafh.com. Speakin' of Web sites, Holla's baby-momma's-cousin's-brotha Perez is saying Miss Can't Stop Smokin' Crack (Amy Win(O!!!)ehouse anyone???) is back on the bandwagon! Honey sugez, listen to Momma Holla, crack is still wack (Wuddup 1996?!)!!! On Sunday, March 16, 2008, J.P. Morgan announced that it reached an agreement to purchase Bear Stearns for $2 per share, or about $236 million.