Dr. Date

>Dear Dr. Date,

Recently, a friend suggested I read something called "ladder theory." If you haven't read it, I encourage you to do so. It is relatively easy to find online.

As I read over it, quite a few things that had previously mystified me suddenly made sense. I have been on the short end of the "kiss of death stick" on more than one occasion, but it's more than that. Let me say that I don't want to believe the ideas the theory suggests, but it's hard not to.

(A helpful clarification for readers is needed here. The theory states men are attracted to women in the following way: 60 percent looks, 30 percent estimated chance she'll put out quickly and 10 percent other.

The problem is this: I am a tall, athletic, better-than-average looking guy. I'm very smart, I have career-oriented goals, and I'm going to make money in life. I have a good sense of humor, I'm responsible, etc.

I really don't mean to brag but the point is although I have high standards, I know I have a lot to offer. Despite this, I have been shot down more times than I have thought possible.

Seriously, whether it's in class or at a party, if I get a phone number it's a miracle. And yet all the while, the ladder theory is becoming more and more believable.

I cannot tell you how many times I've been at a party, or even a coffee shop, and I've been shot down by some girl who says she isn't single, and 10 minutes later in walks the long-haired, ears pierced, tattooed badass guy who just looks like a total d-bag. I mean, what is up with that?

I somehow ended up to be "best friends" with the girl I loved in high school, and during junior year she dated a guy that yelled at her and a guy who tried to get on her while she was asleep. I mean, seriously, WTF?

I'd bet anything that once I start making good money, girls will suddenly become more interested in me, once again explained by the ladder theory.

So my question is this: Is there any way I can spark an interest in these girls I desire, or do I simply have to lower my standards until I start making the money?

And please, tell it to me straight, Doc. I'm not looking for a pat on the back, here. I'm just looking for the truth.

-A Nice Guy Finishing Last

Dear ANGFL,

Ah, the ladder theory. I remember wrestling with this during my first year at Love Medical School.

The problem with the ladder theory is you can fit almost anything into the theory and it seems to work, but that doesn't mean the theory is right, no more than saying the earth must be flat because, after all, you can't really see it curve while walking around on the ground or, for that matter, while on the deck of an annoyingly slow ship.

You asked for me to give it to you straight, and I will. You are too focused on romance as some kind of game with winners and losers. That's why the ladder theory attracts you. You see it as a theory which can help you win the competition, rather like knowing "tit for tat" is a highly effective game strategy, especially when applied to the vexing conundrum of the "prisoner's dilemma."

Excuse my pontificating, but after my Antarctic excursion last week, I'm literally on a slow boat to China and, with Internet access in the captain's quarters infrequent and severely rationed, we spend nearly all our time playing various board games and, of course, poker.

Naturally, being the doctor of love, every card with hearts on it seemed to come my way, and I acquired ownership of everybody's garments in last night's tournament, including some very expensive and stylish jackets which look pretty good on me.

However, I just gave all that stuff back at the end of the night. And this is part of my point, actually.

People who are too caught up in a competitive outlook of pure gamesmanship tend to develop qualities other people see as, well, jerk-like.

I want you to undertake a serious course of study in refined and gentlemanly things, such as etiquette. Try to have a little more sportsmanship, and a little less gamesmanship. Smooth down some of the hard edges of your personality, and you'll start to have more luck with the ladies.

And get that silly "ladder theory" out of your head. At Love Medical School, we studied it as a debunked theory. Of course, the professor didn't tell us that until we spent days struggling with it.

-Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I haven't gone out with anyone since the beginning of my senior year of high school (I am going to be a sophomore next year). This may not seem like a long time, but it seems like forever to me.

After a rather nasty break up and prom junior year, and another failed relationship early senior year, I started to say "no" to every invitation to go out with someone or even to just go on a date because I didn't think the relationship would end well. I decided it was pointless to even start a relationship.

I have even realized I don't really like anyone here. I basically push all men I meet into the friend category. I would like to actually have a nice, functioning relationship but I have gone so long being single and thinking any relationship I got into would probably end -and probably badly - that I don't really know where to begin.

I have rather odd interests compared to most people and I have never even been kissed. I like to take things rather slow and I just don't seem to flirt or try at all any more. Any advice you could give would be lovely.

-Never Been Kissed

Dear Never,

I had to assign you a name because you used your real first name. You apparently don't know the rules around here.

When you say you like to "take things rather slow" it seems more like you are stalled at a stop sign. I don't know how you managed to have a nasty break up when you never even kissed the guy. I imagine some of the issues involved in the break up concerned whether you were even "really" going together.

The most conservative book on dating for women is called "The Rules." You are even more conservative than that book, but only slightly.

Read that book and try to apply it, in particular Rule 14, "No more than casual kissing on the first date." Change "more" to "less." Try it. Most people like it.

-Dr. Date