Holla Backlash

Holla hopes you all had a Fourth of July crackling enough to make even Uncle Sam set off his firework. For now, let's quiet down with a whispered chorus of "rah, rah America," and a checkup on what's between those red, white and blue stripes: burgers, blondes and bimbo-bangers.

McDonalds is, for the first time ever, sooo gay.

Haters of gay marriage are about to lose some weight as they prepare to boycott McDonald's.

McDonald's trespass? (Other than the shifty Ronald McDonald, constantly letting that diabolical Hamburglar out of prison …) Breaking whatever ties they had with the American Family Association by joining "the Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce." Holla didn't even know such a thing existed.

According to the AFA, McDonald's better expect to unfreeze a few less burgers during that post-church lunch rush now that they've "refused to stay neutral in the culture war over homosexuality."

Ah yes, that war. The war that already has fellow NGLCC member Burger King swinging its nunchucks a nd Liza Manelli killing people with high heels. Kind of like the drug war, but with less meth and more of that homoerotic Sponge Bob Square Pants.

Basically, hamburger money is now going straight into the hands of gay people who want to get married, practically funding the designer boots they plan to picket the White House in.

Never before has eating off the dollar menu so angered God. If you also like the American Family, do what once was an un-American thing and don't eat at McDonald's.

Instead, buy a Wendy's meal and eat it in front of their glass doors, glaring the entire time at that cashier with a lisp.

Prostitute Gone (Legally) Wild

Holla realizes that if "Girls Gone Wild" founder Joe Francis is one thing, it's a dirtball. That said, America (and certainly disgraced American Elliot Spitzer) can find themselves behind the smut king this week. Turns out Ashley Dupre, Governor Spitzer's glitzy call-gal, dropped a ten million dollar lawsuit against Francis, claiming that she was exploited and underage when she - uhh -went wild.

First things first, does someone who made a career out of sleeping with sleazy businessmen really have any moral high ground … anywhere? Holla thinks not. Under most circumstances, pulling up your shirt and screeching "WOOO!!!" really takes a backseat to banging the governor of one of the most important states in the union. On top of THAT, it was also revealed that Francis has a video of Dupre showing an ID confirming her age and verbally consenting. Score one for the Grimester …

In an "ONLY IN AMERICA!" moment, comments from Dupre were taken from her publicist. This particular piece of advice should serve as hope for thousands of illiterate and sexy American girls: if you sleep with a married man who's important enough, you'll be famous enough to hire a publicist.

God Bless America. Holla's moral of the story/life moral to carry with you always: hookers, never try to swindle a John. Especially John's with the power to buy every minute of T.V. programming after midnight.

Spiderman sues "Speidi" for copyright purposes

Spoiled blonde kids from California need to learn how to put their fame into context, or Holla's going to give up on MTV forever! Yeah, even that one show about a bunch of high school squares who want to be editor-in-chief of their paper. But when a couple comes in reeking of too many syrup-pumped lattes on one side and a tan-glazed, half-@$$ed eating disorder on the other and says they're the next fashion icons, Holla's got to Holla.

Before you have to scratch your head and guess who the couple in question is, look to "The Hills." Namely, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, who have long been deemed "Speidi" out of some compulsive habit that started with "Bennifer" and somehow hasn't gotten old.

The peroxide-gilded couple has historically carried on in a self-accelerating path of fame which is propelled equally by their outrageous egos (and consistent tactlessness which spawns gossip-worthy soundbites), media who hate them but can't help but write about them, and utterly confused baby boomin' Hollywood execs who think that they truly are famous and sign them on for more gigs.

But Speidi still hasn't caught on. Recently, Heidi told "Extra" magazine, "They're [David and Victoria Beckham] great with their branding, but Speidi is going take it to another level."

To predict whether or not "Speidi is going to take it to another level," Holla made a list of similarities and differences between the two.

Similarities

-Women like to gossip about both Posh and the "eidi" in "Speidi."

-Both women have started fashion lines.

Differences

-Women respect Victoria Beckham for her angular haircut and whimsy on Marc Jacobs ads. She peaked for men in that one scene in "Spice World" when she asked if her dress was too short and then hiked it up. Women and men alike don't like Heidi Montag.

-David Beckham is wildly attractive. Spencer Pratt looks like a rich kid who hasn't figured out that he shouldn't put so many spoonfuls of grenadine in his golf course-prepared drinks.

-Posh and Becks have real careers. He is a soccer player who is so good that his name was featured in the title of a film about people who want to be really good at soccer. Victoria Beckham has already changed costumes more times than a nurse has changed bedpans. Speidi just got famous from some reality show that sucked.

It looks to Holla like Speidi isn't going to be surpassing the Beckhams anytime soon. Let's return that name to its original role, as an occasional nickname for Spiderman.