Holla Backlash

>Famous Heart Attacks

Holla knows that congestive heart failure is no joke. But somehow, imagining certain celebrities in the midst of a myocardial infarction strikes Holla as passably humorous. Maybe that's because some celebrities act so darn infallible, even when they're doing horrendous, unspeakable things. Here is a list of celebs who better check their health before they wreck themselves.

The Hulk Hogan Family

For some reason, Holla has been paying close attention to the "Hogan Knows Best" spinoff "Brooke Knows Best." The show follows the Hulk's daughter on her diamond-encrusted path to adulthood, a journey that happens to involve a South Beach penthouse apartment and a blossoming singing career. But whatevs: Holla has greater worries than Brooke's pampered upbringing. The people who really concern Holla are the Hulk and his ex-wife Linda.

With the arrest and imprisonment of the Hulk's son Nick and the couple's recent divorce, Holla has to wonder about the Hogans' cardiac health. The Hulk has always been a bulky guy, lifting weights - you know, pumping iron. But Holla also has to believe that the Hulk has had his fair share of Slim Jims - and his heart is none too happy because of it. Not to mention the fact that the Hulk wrestled for a living, and even though the K.O.s were staged, his body probably still took a beating. Add onto that the recent family-related stresses and years of hydrogen peroxide seeping into his skull, and you have to wonder just how much more a man can take before he simply explodes.

As for Linda, on the show she refuses to talk about her divorce with her daughter because it's too difficult for her. Uh oh. Holla knows what happens when people bottle up their feelings, and let Holla tell you, it ain't pretty.

CHANCE OF A MAJOR CARDIAC EVENT: 3/5 Dick Cheneys

Miley Cyrus a.k.a. Hannah Montana

Holla knows just how taxing it is to pretend to be two people. And, unfortunately, Holla also knows how painful it is to be taken advantage of during a photoshoot; one second Annie Leibovitz is telling you to smile pretty, and the next thing you know you're naked, swaddled only in a cream-colored sheet, looking as though you've just rolled out of a bed-session with Mario Lopez.

But that's not why Holla worries about Miley. Instead Holla's nervous about the money Ms. Miley is pulling in. It's estimated that the teeny-bopping icon rakes in over $25 million a year. Shoo - Holla has to wonder what that money will do to this poor girl's head. Holla's mantra is that with dollar signs come stressful times. If our wisdom is any indicator of future drama - which it is - Holla pegs Miley as having some kind of breakdown before she's 21. It may not be a heart attack, but after a few years of smoking cigarettes with Paris and drinking with Lindsay, Holla thinks Miley will be a prime candidate for a future rehabber award.

But with Cyrus's young age and cheerful demeanor, something tells Holla that she's going to be fine for a while - until she catches whatever Britney got.

CHANCE OF A FUTURE CARDIAC EVENT: 2/5 Dick Cheneys

Judge Judy

Judy's courtroom has always been fiery. Holla loves her no-nonsense approach to justice, even if it means she has to act like a total b-tch just to intimidate some of the scum who enter her court. In fact, Holla has always identified with the robed diva. Who wouldn't love someone who vacations with Barbara Walters? But sometimes Holla worries about Judy's health.

During Southern California's July 29 earthquake, the Judge Judy studio was sent rocking by the 5.4 magnitude tremor. The show was filming at the time of the quake, and video of the earthquake in Judy's courtroom has been posted on YouTube. It shows a stern Judy talking to a couple of bickerers when suddenly the camera begins shaking. Judy, the native New Yorker that she is, at first appears oblivious to the trembling. Holla suspects that she's used to causing a stir in the courtroom. But when the lights began swaying and the audience screaming, Judy stayed near the gavel only long enough to show off an uncharacteristic open-mouthed look of wonder. Is it possible that Judy's heart panged when she realized she was in the middle of an earth-shake? Holla will never really know. Before Judy could say a word she booked it to her greenroom, leaving the audience to deal with the lurching lights and studio equipment. At least our girl took care of herself.

Still, though, Holla wonders about her heart health. Cardiovascular disease is a major killer among American women, and Judy's yelling wars don't help her much, except when it comes to the ratings.

CHANCE OF A MAJOR CARDIAC EVENT: 4.5/5 Dick Cheneys