Network

Hey Networkia! In honor of this week’s humpathon I figured I’d start the morning off with Dr. Date’s mom. Ohhhh hells yeah, is SHE fine. Trust me, you’d tap that too — if you ever had a chance. But I’m bored already this semester, Networkia. I grow tired of boinking Dr. Date’s mom every morning, and his fuggo of a sister every night. (And YES, I get very very very drunk for that glorious occasion.)

My point? It’s time for mayhem, Networkia. Get out there, cause it, then send us the evidence.

FROM: Bacchus in Flesh

Dr. Network (You have more business being called that than Dr. Phil or Date), Net: Wrong-o sport, I will NEVER take the same title as that NUTTbag down in the corner. Sir Network, Network, Almighty King of Backtalk, or Son of the Savior Network will do just fine. I have two effects for you on this fine tundra of a morning. First off, quoting yourself from yesterday’s chef d’oeuvre, “this fine leftist Commie rag,” I must say, good form. Net: Cheerio, good sir. Oh wait, we’re in Minnesota. Not 19th century Britain. Secondly, you mention in today’s magnum opus that you are applying for a federal bailout. Now is the perfect time as the first bill our new state legislature passed is a bill to pave the way for federal bailout money! Net: Seriously though, to all those people out there who think we were kidding … bailout money IS needed, mother (tr)uckers. The second bill they passed ... wait for it ... how to spend it! They’re writing blank checks, with no money; time to get in line!

FROM: GeniusHater

Dear Network,

What’s up with the commuter lounge in Coffman? It seems like it might actually be a good place for you to hang out — it’s reminiscent of oozy tentacledness. Net: Yeah, I like to go there on the weekends for tentacle cleanings. Me and the other oozers on campus squeeze all the NUTT we’ve collected through the weeks and distribute it evenly. It’s full of glazy eyed students mindlessly watching soap operas and eating overpriced Chik-Fil-A and Jamba Juice. The computers never work because people spill crap on the keyboards, and like GENIUSES the U decided to embed them into the tabletop so they’re un-cleanable. Net: The U is full of GENIUSES, I would have to agree with you there. There’s Fun Bobby, our fearless leader, TSull the strategic positioned in command … the list goes on and on. Plus, I bet whoever designed those computer desks just wanted to (tr)uck with people like you. Why do we have that huge TV, anyway? Does it have cable? NUTT that. Don’t we have anything better to spend our money on? Anyway, it all makes me hate everything. Net: Ahh … that’s the Networkia spirit. Go with it, hater. Get out there and cause some good ol’ hating. Burn stuff, vomit on people. Just be sure not to fling your feces, it’s classified as an act of terrorism under the Patriot Act (Who KNEW?!)

FROM: Weekends only

Dear Network,

When I thought about college, I expected to escape the worst part of high school: Pop quizzes. Net: THAT was the worst part of your high school experience? Are you sure it wasn’t being taped to the flag pole in your undies or being beaten senseless in the locker room showers? I came here expecting to be able to chill in school aside from papers and exams. But some professors here are taking out their anger on students via pop quizzes. Net: I’d expect that has something to do with the so-called “hiring pause” and salary freezes in effect. Or they just hate students. Probably both. Come on, do they really expect us to read 100 pages a week for every class. I have Madden to play and sleep to catch up on. If professors want to give pop quizzes, they should go teach junior high. Net: Or go jump off a bridge. Then they can take pop quizzes every day in hell. We are here to learn not to lose points because we take a night off. I guess I don’t get it because if I was a teacher I would not do the things that bothered me, so I am forced to think some profs enjoyed taking pop quizzes. Well, time for me to go read nonstop. Net: Revolt! Networkians, I call on you all to resist pop quizzes this semester! Weekends shall be your leader, and the professor-tariet will fall.