Dear Dr. Date,...

Dear Dr. Date,

I am 20 years old and have been going out with a woman for about six months. Recently she told me that her father sexually abused her as a child. She didn't tell me to what extent or what he did exactly, but I didn't press her for details because I knew she was a little uncomfortable telling me. I was concerned with this information and suggested that she talk to a counselor or therapist to help her out.

She said she really would hate to talk to a stranger about her problems and said she wouldn't do it. I am only concerned with her well-being, that's why I suggested it. How would you handle this situation? What if her abuse is affecting her in some way she doesn't know? She seems very adjusted and handles her life well, but I really have no experience with this sort of thing and I just want to know what I can do to help because I love her very much.

--Abused and Confused

Your quandary is a classic dilemma in any relationship. You want to help but sometimes your help can do more damage than good. We've all got problems that should probably be dealt with under the guidance of a professional and licensed psychoanalyst. Most of us choose not to see or talk to anyone about this stuff. Your most important duty in a situation like this is to be supportive, not directive. This is a complicated notion because it's very easy to start telling your sweetheart what she should do under the guise of being supportive. Try to understand how your lover is feeling, but never suggest that you know what she is going through.

Your partner may have already healed from the abuse she suffered as a child, but even if she hasn't, it's up to her to see that process through. If you coerced her into counseling she may resent the process and she may also ultimately resent you as well. Unless she wants to deal with these issues and chooses to see a therapist on her own, any counseling she goes through will probably be worthless. Remember, she made a huge step by telling you about her clouded past. Don't betray her trust by freaking out about the situation.

I suggest you do some serious reading on the subject of child abuse for your own knowledge. This reading is not so you can analyze your lover and point out all the symptoms of a scarred psyche. Ask yourself tough questions about why you are reacting so strongly to this information. You may have issues of your own with which to deal. I wish you the strength to support (not direct) the woman you love.