Happy Friday, Netwo...

Happy Friday, Networkians! As the quarter speeds toward completion, the dissatisfaction faction has piqued our attention. To elude further disassociation, we offer the following contemplation:

From Hell_dawg: Alright, alright -- I've had enough. Network is the best damn thing at this whole university, and I'm not going to just sit here while it is destroyed. I want to know who is responsible for picking what gets published. Net: A smallish, trembling man we call the Minister of Concurrence. Oh Minister!? There must be some nerd-ass loser working with you. MOC: Uhhm ... that's me. Just when I start to think that the Network people are semi-cool, you go and print a bunch of s##!+ about squirrels, King-T and other mind-numbing garbage. Don't you realize that Network is much bigger than me, you, the Daily or the University? In Network there's almost a sense of ... hmm ... what is the phrase ... student unity? Net: How about impending doom? At least, that's what we were going for. It's becoming a place where the socially inept can kiss ass to Network, where aspiring fantasy/sci-fi writers make up "funny" stories about squirrels, and a place where daddy's wittle girow (Rollerdork) can pretend like she's really bad.

From John Connor Jr.: Quantity of letters must be down, Net: They're up today ... because you insist on printing at least two Rollerdiva letters a day. They suck. Please do not print any more. Net: Just because you said please doesn't mean you asked nicely.

From McMonkey and Fries: Hey Kids! I, your friendly campus Feyerman, have compiled a list of rules for aspiring contributors that will get your letters printed.

1) Regularly refer to Obsequians, Faeries, Midgets, Koala Bears or any other random persons of which come to mind. Come up with crazy ACRONYMS to trick all of the other Net readers into thinking that you know what you're talking about! Net: Try this; it really works.

2) Come up with some really funny things to say about those guys who broke into Willey Hall and stole all of the chairs from lecture room 125 and all of the merchandise from that one lady who sells silver on the bridge. Net: Hmm ... that's new, but we'll go with it.

3) Make friends with the Network people. Net: Dammmit! Please, please don't associate us with those vulgar creatures! If you cannot make friends with the Network people, don't feel bad. They're better than you.

4) Squirrels!!! Net: If we had a dollar for every squirrel letter we cast into the ether, well ... we'd have about $2,438.

5) The ancient Network bylaws, inscribed on the bottom of the third table from the back on the far right at the University Hardees, explicitly state that any letter which refers to Rollerdiva (or any letter written by the Diva herself) shall receive first consideration. Net: That's not about bylaws ... it's about lack of self control. MINISTER!!?

MOC: Yes?

Net: Do you understand what's going on here?

MOC: Yes.

Net: So what are you going to do about it?

MOC: Print every single Rollerdiva letter we have.

Net: Very well then. Onward.

DON'T STOP US, WE'RE ON A ROLL

From Argonaut: Look for clues my sexy Medea. Sincere and sweet sailor of the sea and shiny, sailing ship will search for sassy, short-skirted, peroxide fleeced superdiva at the spectacular, spring, supersonic, shagadelic singles social a go-go. Guess my name and you've found where the proverbial "X" marks the spot. If we ever have kids (don't freak out -- it's part of the treasure map) we can name them Carina, Puppis, Pyxis and Vela. Sea ya there! Net: Don't get too excited, Argo. Sounds like there's more than one ... erm ... seaman seeking style-spangled shores:

From: O.G. Ph.D: Rollerdiva and her friend cornered me during their "ecstasy-induced love haze" and made me do things I can never reveal to my family or my community. Net: Just wait until the tapes get on the Internet. Don't get me wrong, it was a fantasy come true for most men, but a I am small town boy just here for an education. Net: Sounds like you got it.

From Moon River Curator: The Diva of all divas, that eight-wheeled vixen, Rollerdiva, broke my heart. Her pedestrian-harming, prolix-writing ass needs to be planted here on earth with the rest of us. As one of those ever-so-prevalent Sig Ep boys at the Rec Center, I merely work out so that I may be in peak physical condition for my bunny (which used to be Rollerdiva, but now I'm on the hunt). Net: I guess we'll see you tonight at the Weisman, then.

From Infinity-Sasster: To Madcow -- you are truly mad since your "sources" on Rollerdiva are apparently COWshit. I happen to be privileged enough to know the lovely Rollerdiva, and let me tell you, none can hold a candle close to the smart, sassy, glamour of this hippest galactical goddess, whose biosphere you wouldn't even be worthy of existing in! The moment this bomb-dippity chick strolls in, all jaws fall OFF because of her swingin', no-nonsense, smashingly rockin' self: all six foot tall-ness of her, all the while fabulously wild blond-haired, momma-long-legged, style-up-to-the-Nile threads, challenging, enrapturing eyes and the witty attitude and class the likes of which would knock you FLAT on your ass! To Rollerdiva: a tongue-lick-around-the-rim-of-the-glass toast to you! Long live the Network! Net: And you, Sasster, are a regular whirling word-wielder yourself. When do we get more?

From StarRaver: Sorry to disappoint you all, but I have two little things here for Rollerdiva ... OK, first of all, when are you coming back to class? Are you too busy working out and getting locked up? I mean, hey, if you leave your shoes on, we won't say anything about your feet. The other part for her is -- $20?! Did someone actually pay your requested sum? If so, no wonder you're always trying to drag us along to the Dr. Date Mixers! Net: Which reminds us -- be on the lookout for the citrusy, sideways glances of the sublime, rosy-cheeked cosmopolite we call Citizen tonight at the Dr. Date "mix-up" thingy -- he just might be on the lookout for you.