Letters to the Editor

Witchcraft on campus

A recent University survey demonstrates the increasing importance of modern witchcraft on campus. Forty percent of all students and a startling 80 percent of faculty members on campus feel that witchcraft is an important part of their identity. Moreover, 70 percent of all students and 99 percent of faculty members on campus say they have participated in some kind of pagan, magic-based ceremony -- including human and animal sacrifices.

With such strong support, it is disappointing that our campus does not have a more public place for latter-day witches and warlocks to socialize. It is time for the University to sponsor a Coven Cultural Center.

Of the people surveyed, 45 percent said they didn't feel like the University supported their beliefs enough and would like to see a place on campus for witches to go. A Coven Cultural Center would allow practitioners of the magic arts to gather, cast spells and perform sacrifices. It would also provide an ideal environment for single witches and warlocks to meet one another before mating ritualistically.

The U.S. military now recognizes white magic as a valid religion and has begun instituting chaplains to support witchcraft-inclined troops. Can the University not live up to the same standards?

With the installation of a Coven Cultural Center, the University would be taking a positive step forward in integrating alternate social beings. It is important the University recognize there are many different groups that feel unappreciated and unsupported. Because the majority of people on campus are involved in witchcraft, it is critical that the University address the issue of a Coven Cultural Center in a timely fashion.

Sabrina Star, philosophy undergraduate

Rectal research pains reader

It is with absolute disgust that I send this correspondence. Upon learning about the studies that the University funds, I am considering ending both my tenure here, and possibly my life, because of the temerity of the researchers who are studying anal warts.

The particularities of the research are too offensive to illustrate; however, it is the methodology to which I object. In order to acquire samples to treat the ailment, teams of researchers (of both sexes) assemble around a derobed patient. They first spread the buttocks open with a stainless steel instrument. After the buttocks are spread, a diaphragm is inserted into the sphincter to "discourage" discharge from escaping. Often, however, this procedure is more enjoyable than necessary -- for both the patients and the physicians!

Next, they wash the regions on the inside of the buttocks in an anti-bacterial solution. This is little more than foreplay! Any proctologist worthy of his degree knows this is a vestigial procedure at best. The region inside of the buttocks is utterly inhospitable to bacterial growth, as the odor and constant elastic movement prevent it.

The third procedure is also of dubious practicality. I have been informed this involves the individual plucking of all the many hairs that inhabit the inner buttocks. To be sure, this disgusts me! I have suffered many unfortunate instances in my life, and nothing on God's green earth is as painful as a hair being pulled from my ass!

Finally, the last procedure is only fodder for masturbation for the attending staff: the patient is forced to make animal noises!

This kind of unnecessary funding should not be tolerated at any institution. This procedure is being malpracticed, and all at taxpayer expense, and staff enjoyment!

Lombard Quintillian, IV

Crime pays at U

I'm writing to congratulate the University on its fine decision to continue funding the Center for the Improvement of Criminal Activity. As a professional criminal myself, the center's work has been extremely beneficial to me and my family. The research conducted on such important issues as "Why do Robberies Fail?" and "How to Avoid Fingerprinting Objects" has made my chosen profession more enjoyable and prosperous.

In addition, I would also like to commend the director of the center for his steady devotion to the dissemination of the information gained through research. Many scholarly types try to keep their knowledge as a secret, but the director, Xavier, Ph.D. (or Dr. X as we all call him) willingly provides all who ask with the information he and the rest of the center's employees have gleaned.

Finally, I urge the University to go one step further than simply funding the center and add a new major for undergraduates. For those hoping to start a career in theft, grand larceny or art heists, it is often difficult to know where to start. By developing an entire department devoted to the study of criminal activity, the University can become a beacon for all those who hope to one day profit from the fruits of others' labor.

Name withheld due to fear of prosecution.

Childish vivisection should stop

I am writing to voice my objection to Dr. Sven Matt Mattson's research in pain tolerance of 7- to 9-year old boys and girls. Let me just say this is sick!!! I believe that God thinks it's okay to perform test on baby seals, kitty-cats and young baby lambs, but your kidding me, humans? This crosses the line! It is okay to test on animals because it's His will (The one and only Christian God, you wackos) but not on any kid, be sure of that. I may only be a "dumb" Daily reader who doesn't have a doctorate, but I know what's right and this ain't right. I come from Owatonna and we respect little kids and even old people, but we don't cage them or perform electrocution tests on them or whatever it is that you do. Electrocute my grandma, you're crazy!!! How can the University let all these researchers in lab coats probe little boys and girls?

You're calling me a racist!? You don't know what a racist is if you think I am a racist! I don't think that any race is worse than others, but last week this Paraguayan guy cut in front of me at the supermarket! That bastard should die hard because he cut in front of me at the supermarket just like the researchers who keep children alive while they cut out their hearts. Wake up people!

Adam Miller, senior,cultural studies and comparative literature