Meat Manor food, turbulent bowel movements coupled

It's the sum of all fast food fears, though it's been known for some time already by faithful patrons of Meat Manor.

Those little burgers -- better known as "gut bombs" or "sliders" -- have been discovered by the Food and Drug Administration to be a revolutionary edible enema.

For all those consumers that finished off an evening of drinking with a cheeseburger or seven at "Meaty's," the next morning's suffering was by design.

"This is what I've always suspected," outraged patron Oliver Nipple said. "I've always said that you should buy a sack of burgers, go home and throw them in the toilet.

"Why? Eliminate the middle man."

The FDA, while listing the establishment's onions and nondairy cheese as contributors to the violent bowel movements that follow a meal at Meat Manor, are puzzled by the "mystery substance" found in their examinations.

In a report from the desk of FDA investigator A. Biggweenie, Ph.D., the burgers contain a "semi-oily substance, with a trace of water and human perspiration."

The Minnesota Daily sent top correspondent Jim Schortemeyer -- a man who is no stranger to fast food consumption -- to investigate this mystery of the food and science world.

Arriving at a classified Meat Manor location somewhere in the Twin Cities shortly after 1:30 a.m. last Saturday, Schortemeyer made his way across the sticky floor to the even-stickier counter and placed his order. What he saw next thoroughly sickened and enlightened him all at once.

"I was watching a cook, who shall remain nameless," Schortemeyer said. "Anyway, there he was steaming the burgers, when he took out his Walkman to flip his Sepultura tape over. Then, with his music back on, he preceded to go through the motions of headbanging to the noise coming through his headphones.

"As I watched in horror, hundreds of droplets of sweat mixed with two-day-old hair gel showered the burgers like a spring drizzle. I covered my mouth and ran for the bathroom. But what a scoop."

The FDA and the Daily staff take their collective hats off to Schortemeyer for his fearless on-the-spot reporting.