Dr. Date,

I have an unusual predicament that I hope you can help me with. I have a huge crush on one of my co-workers. That isn't the problem. The issue lies in his strange obsession with Chuck Norris. Everytime I try to have a conversation with this hot hunny, he starts spouting off random Chuck Norris facts. How can I get his attention when I have to compete against Mr. Norris? I've tried to talk the talk (and I've even taken to watching "Walker, Texas Ranger" reruns), but it doesn't seem to do any good. Could you give me some advice (or a top 10 list?) for roundhouse kicking Chuck Norris out of the way, and making room for me?

" I hate chuck

Dear I hate chuck,

You've got to be kidding me.

The first thing I'd say is I don't know how worth it it is to pursue a man obsessed with "Walker, Texas Ranger." Then again, he did seem to offer some sound counsel to Jonathan Brandis (rest in peace, for real); at least he got that Everly Brothers tune ("All I Have to do is Dream") out of poor Matthew/Martha's head... or am I thinking of the wrong movie?

Regardless, a man obsessed with Chuck Norris " so prescient, dedicated, philosophical and profound an action hero, nay martial arts master " is not going to be a man easily swayed from his fixation, nay his passion.

Chuck Norris is an alluring and complicated character, a melange of yin and yang seldom, if ever, seen on the silver screen. I don't think you need to compete for your fella's affection with Chuck (that'd be as foolish as trying to battle him in the ring " do not ever attempt to fight Chuck Norris, I repeat, do not ever attempt to fight Chuck Norris, the man is a like a caged beast).

Perhaps you should be considering how you can embrace your dude's love of all things Chuck. Getting into "Walker" is a good start, but maybe you should study up a bit more and parry with your co-worker on the world of Chuck. In the midst of a deep discussion of Chuck's martial arts merit, slip in some subtle hints that you're interested in going a few rounds with your co-worker. For all things Chuck, The Legend of Chuck Norris, a "popular" fan site is a good start.

But first...

The Top 10 Chuck Norris factoids that will help you wrangle in that hot Norris-head:

10. Karate. Chuck started studying Asian martial arts while stationed in Korea with the Air Force. And look where it took him.

9. "The Cincinnati Kid." Before the man even knew about the Tao of Steve, Chuck Norris was teaching Steve McQueen ((tr)ucking "Bullitt," man!) how to harness his chi in one of his many karate schools.

8. Ewww. The Osmonds were also students, no doubt learning how to fight off a horny siblings' inappropriate advances.

7. Blue suede shoes. Priscilla Presley also was one of his students. Now, the only reason I can figure is because she wanted to keep up with the King. That, or because she was afraid he'd go "Crazy Elvis" (brief stint between Skinny Elvis and Fat Elvis, just before the comeback special) on her if she touched his hoagie.

6. Russian Revolution. Chuck Norris was born on the same day as Tsar Alexander III of Russia, only while the tsar is widely seen as a brutish despot who did nothing if not empower the rich and shun the poor, he does some things in common with Chuck. Both have a ruthless thirst for the blood of their enemies, and both are incredibly strong " when his family's train derailed in 1888, the tsar used his incredible strength to literally raise the roof and allow them to escape.

5. Fresh fish. As a Pisces, Chuck's likes are: solitude to dream in, mystery in all its guises and the ridiculous. His dislikes include: the obvious, being criticized and know-it-alls. So don't learn too much about Chuck, or he'll be really pissed.

4. Work it out. While they do hawk the Total Gym together, there is no romantic relationship linking Chuck to Christie Brinkley. The Uptown girl likes her men alcoholic and a little washed-up.

3. Black belt. Chuck was named Fighter of the Year in 1969 by "Black Belt" magazine. The readership for said magazine is in the low 30s.

2. Kick it. In 1996, Chuck became the first Westerner to be awarded an eighth-degree black belt in tae kwan do. He was 56, so I'm pretty sure the standards were lowered significantly.

1. Greatness. Chuck Norris is America's 6,434th greatest citizen, behind Anthony Michael Hall, but strangely, ahead of Spiro Agnew.

A little too long a response for a Chuck Norris-related question, you say? Maybe, but the point is, you don't have a lever where you can magically make a "Walker, Texas Ranger" clip appear, so how else are you going to ingratiate yourself with a rabid fan? By learning, son, by learning.

" Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I have my own philosophy on how to have successful relationships, but I want to know what you, the greatest doctor in the world, thinks about it. I feel that in order to achieve heavenly nirvana in relationships, there are three fundamental, yet simple principles.?The first and most important is honesty. It's the foundation of all relationships. The second is communication. Talking about your issues/problems is always better than sweeping them under the rug, because they'll still be there down the road.

Lastly, there needs to be compromise. Who wants to be with a dominating person? What fun is that anyway? Wouldn't you agree doctor that all the other aspects of a relationship encompass these three principles working together? If not what are they then? I think this will help your patients out immensely if you can clear this up.

"Dr. Date's future apprentice....maybe...possibly??

P.S. I just had an excellent idea for you Dr. Date. You should have your own T-shirt. It could say, "I get examined Daily," or "I've been examined" with your logo, and it would be priceless. I'd be the first one to buy one from you. Just a thought.

Dear Dr. Date's future apprentice....maybe...possibly??,

Frankly friend, you laid it out there pretty well. Just as hamburgers (from the Big Kahuna Burger) are the cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast, so are honesty, communication and compromise the core values of a successful relationship.

As far as being my apprentice, I've got a reality show coming out next fall, produced by Mark Burnett. You'll have to wait in line outside the Mall of America like all the other chumps auditioning for it.

" Dr. Date

P.S. Great shirt idea. One thing, PATENT PENDING.