Holla Backlash

>Great Gatsby! Get these spiders off me!

Hey kids, look at this beautiful new Guthrie building. Isn't it just great? I mean, it's really an architectural marvel that will surely … OH MY GOD! THE SPIDERS!!!

The recent pride and joy of the Twin Cities art scene is also a giant blue spider breeding ground. And the eight-legged creepy crawlers are so numerous, there's not much the theater can do about it.

Perhaps there was a reason that sweet spot by the river was available. Note to all the new riverside condos cropping up: Holla hopes your half-a-million-dollar high-rise is worth the price of waking up every morning with a sticky web across your face. Although we suspect some of the gold diggers have already paid that price … zing!

Anyway, the next time you go to the Guthrie, you might want to bring the bug spray. And when the actor on stage begins screaming, "Oh god, they're laying eggs in my eyes!" - it might not be a part of the show.

In other Guthrie news, the theater's new stage, the Wurtele Thrust Stage, has become sexual slang following the honored tradition of other Minnesotan-themed sex acts, like the Minnesota Earmuff (look it up). The Wurtele Thrust: The act of gettin' busy with a rich old lady who wants a pearl necklace on top of the one she's already wearing.

A crackhouse divided

Whitney Houston is pickin' herself up out of the gutter and making a move in the right direction - away from Bobby Brown (and hopefully into rehab). Reports from Bobby are mixed: he's said he's the one ending the 14-year-long drug-induced haze and he's quoted claiming the marriage is A-OK.

OK, Bobby, you may have been able to keep Whitney doped up enough to think you were the man of her dreams for over a decade, but c'mon now. You can't fool the entire gossip-mongering public into thinkin' she isn't filing for divorce.

"Confessions of a Video Vixen" author Karrine Steffans denies she's the cause of the downfall of this marriage, despite Bobby's affair with her. (Apparently Bobby was humpin' around.) Karrine says she's still head over heels for Bill Maher and that they'll be paired up again in the future.

Umm, first things first, Holla thinks it's obvious that Whit is finally turning her life around and detoxin' herself of the last 14 years.

Next, what the hell is going on? We're not sure if the whole gang is seein' through cracked-out rose-colored glasses, but does this whole story seem beyond bizarre to anyone else? Holla wishes Whit only the best on her venture back to being stalker-worthy a la "The Bodyguard."

Jack McCoy takes on K-Fed

Make a date to stay in front of the TV tomorrow night (or make use of Tivo if you're so damn popular) to catch the season premiere of "Law & Order." Now normally Holla would never encourage anyone to subject themselves to such a snorendous TV show, but rumor has it the L&O episode is inspired by the glory known as Spederline.

Not convinced? Check it: A rapper named J-Train becomes a murder suspect after incriminating photos of his wife - doing various motherly activities like dropping her kid in Central Park and leaving her babe alone in the car during a coffee shop stop - surface in the tabloids.

In more mother Spears news, the couple has dubbed their second son Sutton Pierce. Nice work, Brit - if you can't convince Kevin to let the boys share a birthday, try to make it easy for Daddy the next way possible.

This way he can just use initials and get it right every time when he's sendin' out birthday cards after the divorce. Let's just hope their SPF count stays at 2.

Now she's playing a heterosexual in real life AND on TV

One of a plethora of amazing new TV shows with brilliantly fresh plotlines, ABC's "Men in Trees" has struck gold. We don't even know where they can come up with this stuff.

A narrative dramedy with a strong, beautiful blonde trained in failed relationships dishing out love advice? Never heard of such a thing, at least since the syndicated episode of "Sex and the City" on the CW last night.

But really now, to give the show (and its writers) some credit, it takes place in Small-Fishing-Town, Alaska. And leading lady Anne Heche works at a radio station. Who would have ever thought of that? Uh, maybe "Northern Exposure" creators Joshua Brand and John Falsey, who crafted the idea more than 15 years ago.

Nice work, ABC. Can't wait till you bring out the big guns.

If I smile when I tell you the death toll in Iraq, will you feel better?

America awaits Katie Couric's official sign-off, but until it's settled, Li'l Miss Sunshine has been saying a goodnight that makes Holla a bit queasy. So far, Katie is fond of ending the evening news with "I hope to see you tomorrow" or "I'll be back tomorrow, and I hope you will, too."

What do you mean Katie? Are you implying we may not be around tomorrow? Oh my god, are we going to die?! WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!

Besides moving to CBS, Katie has moved into the blogosphere - and boy, is she excited. Her first entry contained 11 exclamation points (!) and an anecdote about how she had to be cut off after one martini. Sounds like the drink Paris Hilton had last week. Did you not eat all day either, Katie?

This might explain the use of a Karen Carpenter quote at the end of the blog. It was something to the extent of "Rainy days and Mondays and horse tranquilizers always bring me down."

"Beer Barrel Polka" is the new "Hey Ya"To some, the sound of a drunken 50 year-old hussy singing an off-tune rendition

of "Strangers in the Night" is a bad sound. But to others, like Esquire magazine, it's the sound of the best damn bar in America.

Booya! The Nordeast bar, Nye's Polonaise Room, was declared "Best Bar in America" by the trendy men's mag.

While Holla has suspicions that the Esquire dudes didn't hit up the place while the piano bar was happening, we do thank Nye's for serving us Harvey Wallbanger after Harvey Wallbanger - even after we puked all over the polka band.