Network

So, Networkia … another weekend gone by. Personally, I decided to use the nearly freezing weather to smear egg whites all over cars parked along 13th and 14th on Saturday night. Bet that was a nice NUTTing surprise to all you hipster barflies.

Also, I decided that in addition to Carlson d-bags, Dr. Date, anyone who wears UGGs with leggings and giant sunglasses, whiny grad students on a power trip, Badger fans and people who talk at the theater, I ALSO REALLY NUTTING HATE the following:

People who can’t parallel park, people who bring fried food onto the bus, and people who wear T-shirts with 1980s toys (Rubik’s Cube, dice, whatever) on them.

From Palin4Prez

Net, what’s the deal with pretzels? I mean, they’d be perfectly fine not all knotted up like that, but we still feel the need to make them into bowties. Net: Uh … yeah, and while you’re at it, let’s eliminate all fun shapes of pasta and bagels too. From now on, I only want pretzel sticks or those little ones with the cheese inside. Net: Mmm, like those Combos? Hell to the yeah. Or pretzel balls would be good, too, or if they came in cracker-shaped pieces. But I’m sick of having my food all knotted (NUTTed) up. It’s just plain cruel. Plus, I’m sure it was a knotty pretzel that tried to kill Pres. W, so those little suckers should be outlawed as threats to national security. Net: Er, if SOMEONE’s still out there trying to kill Dubya, my regards. I’d mail him a NUTTing truckload of pretzels a day if I thought it would do the job.

From ThinkI’mABabyMomma

OK, Net, so I’m a first-year, and I’ve spent my whole life being a pretty good girl: no drinking, no smoking, nothing until I came to good ol’ ‘U.’ Since the fall, when I first lost my virginity perching precariously atop the sink of a frat house bathroom, I’ve been … well, a little nutty, to say the least. Net: I’m getting the sense that this letter was meant for ANOTHER inbox on the Backtalk page … My problem is this: I’m like 99% sure I could be the next Juno, but like, on the weekend in question I spent time “studying” in those private Carlson school rooms, and attended three or four different house parties before crashing back in T-hall (where I woke up in a bed that was not my own!) Net: Basically, you’re a giant whore. Just so we’re clear. So, I guess here’s a shoutout to anyone who (tr)ucked a little blonde girl from a small town in Wisconsin in a black dress and high heels and DIDN’T USE A RUBBER the weekend after Thanksgiving break … you’re about to become a baby daddy. Seriously, text me if you think it’s you. Net: Well, that’s probably everyone in the frat houses, maybe 1 in 10 dudes in Middlebrook and about half the guys in the Superblock. Mazeltov, ‘gents.