Network

Do you know what I found last night Networkia? MotherNUTTing whistle pops. They are freaking awesome. I would highly recommend that you all go out and purchase them (I think they’ll run you about, eh 29 cents or so) and use them as often as you can to disrupt the work of those around you.

Big lecture hall? *fwoooop!* (Yes, that’s the noise they make. Don’t even kid.)

Co-worker on the phone about to deal a big deal? (down-tone) *fwwwwwoooopp!*

Networkia, I don’t think you even understand the amazing number of uses these whistle pops have! Wake up your roommate when she’s snoring in the middle of the night. Rape whistle when you’re passing by the Carlson building. Make your TA mildly paranoid during discussion.

And on the double points plus-side, they’re tasty as (tr)uck.

FROM: definitelyAbabyMomma

Hi Network, it’s me again! Guess what, I totally like, had my baby!! Net: Oh joy, a dumb whore like you has managed to procreate. God help us all. So, Network, thanks so so so so much for like printing my letters! I feel like that lady who had like 100 babies or whatever! People have been offering me like, diapers, and like babysitting while I’m in class (the girls on my floor are all taking turns!!), and like, I’m writing a book about raising my little pookie bear in the dorms! Net: Nadya Suleman, step aside. Octo-Mom has been replaced by Superblock Mom. Yeesh! I think they’re even going to make a movie about me! I’m like so super excited! I think I’m going to be a great mommy! So, as much as I’d like to give a big tr(uck) YOU to whoever knocked me up, and believe me if I ever find you, you’re paying BIG BUCKS in child support, my little angel baby is the best thing ever! Net: And babymomma, you’ll be sure to split that child support dough with good ole’ Network, should the gravy train ever start a’flowin.

FROM: CornClimbers

Dude Network, did you see us the other night? Me and my buddies like, totally hung out at TCF stadium!! Net: Hmm, the Idiots from Iowa (Not that it really narrows it down at all.), yeah, awesome dudes, you were like, the first dumba$$es to be ARRESTED at the new stadium. Seriously, Network, how lame is that? We can’t just come and admire that fancy new stadium? We wanted to be like, the first fans in the new digs just to stick it to the Gopher fans, ya know? Net: Blah blah, I get letters every day from punks claiming to be the first idiot to sit at the 50 inside the stadium, the first idiot to throw a pass in the stadium, the first idiot to make a tackle, the first idiot to eat a hotdog, the first idiot to take a dump, WHATEVER. Go back to Iowa and eat some corn.