Network

From: YourMotherIsWatching

Net, I think you need to reform the humor of your column — you’ve lost your edge, your luster, your appeal to the generation of tomorrow. Net: And what, you’re some humor reformist? You’ve got some shiny new tricks hidden up your sleeve? You need to start mixing in jokes that push the limits of what a normal person or tentacled brain would consider decent. I know this might blow your mind, but here’s a joke I think you should consider — Why don’t women need watches? … (wait for it) … because there’s a clock on the stove! BOOM!! Net: Ah, yes, misogyny, one of the oldest tricks in the book. But wait, this is from the loyal reader with the Trekkie freak for a girlfriend, isnt’ it? Truth be told, Net, that’s all I’ve got. Of course, if you wanted to, you could sprinkle in a few Special Olympics jokes. Those are always funny. But then again, as our President would say, “Those are retarded.” Net: Hmm … while mocking the weaker, softer gender and those with handicaps may spice up the column for about, oh, six seconds, I think I’ll pass. Maybe I’ll make fun of dudes who date Trekkie freak chicks instead. There’s got to be a good erection joke to be made of “beam me up, Scotty.”

FROM : Step 392 of the Plan is now Complete

Over Spring Break I was going to devote my time to figuring out a major and catching up on school work but then I got distracted by figuring out ways to destroy Dr. Date and take down the Carlson School of Douchebaggery (or something like that) and its popped collared scum. Net: Noble ambitions, my child. Noble ambitions indeed. Unfortunately I get bored enough in Multi Variable Calc that I sometimes go against my better nature and read Dr. Date after reading Network and doing the sudoku and crossword and figuring out several different ways of dying that would be better then reading Dr. Date, but alas reading about peoples pathetic love lives is better then learning so … Net: Uh … you’re rambling. I’m sensing that you’re an IT student, which would account for your severe lack of communication skills. Maybe you and YourMotherIsWatching should get together and have a kinky nerd threesome with his Trekkie freak girlfriend. However the one good thing that comes of his column is that not only from his advice is it obvious that he will never ever get any action ever, unless you consider someone passed out on a couch action (Net: Hey, Dominic Jones did. ZING!), but also all the people pathetic enough to write in for advice will also never get action, so we can consider the gene pool safe for now. Anyways here is a Limerick since people haven’t been writing poems lately:

There once was a Doctor of Date

Who could find no one to be his mate,

Network made fun of this man

Often beating him with a pan,

Now the Doctor of Date resembles the shape of a plate.

Net: Hmm … limericks … nice. OK people, game change. We’re abandoning haikus and going for dirty limericks. Let’s have ‘em.