Network

FROM: Sexually frustrated frat boy

Hi Netty!

So, what’s nettin’ these days? Can you believe those NDSU and Moorhead college students get THREE weeks off this semester? Where’s our disaster, huh? Net: In your pants! hahahahah Geez. Seriously, though, do you think it’s easier to get laid during a flood? I bet those scared college girls are pretty easy. Net: Of course, there’s all kinds of sketch-ball come-ons that start with, I’ll keep you warm and dry… Just take off your panties....Well, I guess my job is clear—I’m heading to Fargo to “sandbag”….

From: ViridianWolf

Hello there most amazing Net of Networkia! I have been following your column in the Daily, and I am beginning to wonder like many of your other followers why they honestly don't just give you the whole back page. Net: Viva la Revolucion, dear wolf. The time is coming… it nears, I promise. And then Networkia will be given dues, as we reign the Backtalk page. Stay tuned… Dr. Date likes to think he gives good advice but really, it makes me shudder. A girl wrote in the other day asking how to get six boys off her trail. I say if you don't want them hanging on you, DON"T bloody kiss them in the first place! Net: Indeed, hear that slutty girls? In the event of you wanting to ditch that train of fratboys, KEEP YOUR PANTIES ON .. damn, that’s a lot of talk about panties today.... That kind of tells them you're interested. Honestly... Anyways, I was hoping to lead a few squirrels along on a mission to drop a few large rocks (or worse) on Dr. "Dork" as he walks by, and so I give you a small haiku...

When the squirrels and I

Drop rocks on Dr. Dork Date's head

The squirrels shall cheer, woo!

I know, it's not the best haiku ever, but I thought it might work. Only problem is, I don't know where to ambush him from. A little help would be nice, Net. Net: well, if we were talking about anyone BUT Dr. Dork, I’d probably say your little sister’s bed, but since it’s Dorko, let’s go with Wilson Library, the Daily Offices, the men’s restroom at the Burger King on Washington Ave., and last but not least… you can always find Dr. Date in the Dollhouse (Sex-quarium) at Sex World. Perhaps with all your tentacles you can launch a few good boulder-sized stones at him with us. That way we will be able to offer him up to you as a sacrifice to your greatness of rival-beating. Ever your loyal servant, Viridian Wolf.

FROM: BandGeeker

I write this in response to those Iowan idiots. I just want to let everyone know that they did not get to see the stadium first. The University of Minnesota marching band was the first to get to see the new stadium. We got a private tour so those Iowans can go husk some corn and shove it up their a$$. And just to let everyone know, the marching band is the best at writing limricks so don't even try to compete with us. Here is a fresh one for you Network, your tentacledness.

There was a man named Obama,

Whose middle name, Hussein, caused trauma,

To ignorant Iowans,

who actually eat at baskin robbins;

They related him to yo momma!.