Network

FROM self righteous ho!

Yo net mama! So what’s up with all this hating on Soulja Boy for hating on the ladies? I for one love having my a$$ “pimp slapped.” Net: And I for one love pimp-slapping hos. What does that even mean? Actually, I think it’s more an issue of ho-hating than general lady-hating, which goes beyond Soulja Boy. When will we accept the integral role prostitutes play in today’s world? Net: Prostitutes are my life. I love them. I do, I do. If I believed in a higher power other than myself, I’d probably THANK GOD for prostitutes. In fact, in honor of the holy holiday of Easter, dearest darlingist Eastery bunny, please please please fill my easter basket with lots of pretty little hookers and strippers!!! I mean geez, they at least get paid for what so many naïve young women do for free every weekend in frat houses around the nation … of course we call them hos too, which is a dig on the real hos that are holding this society together.

thetastysquirrel

Net, your column today included many a lie from that (tr)uck-wit GODZILLA.

First off, a squirrel will not be distracted while in a fight by mere cheese. Net: Clearly.

A nice pile of acorns, yes. A jar of peanut butter mixed with vodka, and the squirrel would be rendered useless, but cheese is not enough to distract a squirrel while in a fight. Net: Squirrel martinis? Second I have a new target to divebomb it seems. As soon as I find this Godzilla it will get a treatment similar to the Fashionless. Speaking of her, her latest column can be described as, “I am stupid, do not listen to me.” Net: I hear she’s considering getting that slogan tattooed on her trampstamp spot. I couldn’t even be bothered to read it but I saw something about Justin Timberlake, maybe if you are as hip as Dateless you would like Justin. Anyway, it is soon spring and I have to start destroying the AC unit at Dateless’ hovel.

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