Network

Ok Networkia, so here’s one for all the whiners out there: Evidently we’re not being mean enough to boys who screw around and sell their naughty wares.

So, here we go: like, omg, what’s up with those slutty boys from Middlebrook? I mean they will (tr)uck anyone who looks at them with anything less than a scowl!! Damn, I’d pay good money to see them shaking their thangs on the Washington Avenue Bridge. Maybe instead of MSA jerking off — I mean, around — with that lend a band crap, maybe they should hire some nice slutty boys to shake their man beef on the Washington Avenue Bridge. Maybe it would get that NUTTINg bridge fixed a little faster!

FROM: TheFashionistaIsOut!(OfHerMind)

Dearest Network. It’s been quite a while since I last graced you with my presence. Anyways, now that it’s safe once again to drink the water in Moos Tower, I thought I’d send a message your way about my latest beef: Kara Nesvig. What the nutt is this girl thinking? Net: my best guess? Wow, I’m not sure I can even try to emulate that level of marshmallow fluff for brains, but here goes, Fashionista stream of consciousness: “Hmm, today it’s happy outside, so like, I think I’ll match my necklace to my shoes, oh-em-gee, like, not like that fugly girl over there, wearing white socks with her last-season mary janes! Gah! I MUST have a new slouchy bag today, Vogue says they are coming back but in brighter colors and like what about a banana sandwich?” Her articles are even more obnoxious than that powder puff Aaron Leth’s were last year! Sad thing is, the whole campus thinks she’s from Wisconsin because of the way she acts, even though she’s apparently from NoDak! She’s such a twit and a waste of space in the Daily … even though we all know the ENTIRE Daily is a waste of space. I LOVED her recent article telling boys how to dress … must have been geared towards us gays, cuz seriously, who else reads this [expletive]? Gossip Girl? Net: Oh goodie, Jack from “Will and Grace” is NUTTING reading my column now … Here’s the deal, boys and girls, Network doesn’t give a flying NUTT who or what you like to (tr)uck. Everyone just get out there and get your jollies, okies?

Len Druskin? Really? NO ONE knows what Len Druskin is, except the gays … no one else shops there, except maybe some of the douchebag yuppies in Carlson (the grad students and MBAs, not the undergrads for sure-they’re still wearing their ill-fitting suits from JC Penney.) Net: I hear they even wear them to sleep at night! Seriously … is anyone listening to her? As seen around by the U recently, no boys really care about what they are wearing … even some of the people on my team that I’ve seen walking around in DC Shoes and zip hoodies. Whatever happened to the gay knowing how to dress, and always looking flawless? Talk soon. Kiss, kiss.