Dr. Date

Dateman,
I met a ridiculously cute guy who was working at a retail store. We had run into one another at this place twice or so in the past, and he was always flirtatious and gave me his employee discount. A couple of weeks ago, we seemed to hit it off very well, to the extent that he requested my virtual friendship on the BookFace — I accepted. We chatted on the instant messenger and he quickly divulged that he was inexperienced in dating; he had only been in one relationship before and it was tumultuous. We're gay, and I took his admission in stride — a lot of guys (myself included) have had some nightmarish experiences, and I don't judge based on that or on gay inexperience. At times, it comes with the territory. We wrote back and forth for a while, we exchanged numbers and he wanted to talk/write for a long time, so he suggested that we text message via cell phone after I expressed a need to get off the Internet. I said that I needed to sleep, but I actually wanted to wait to really talk until we were in-person, on a date. We agreed to see a movie, and that we would establish a calendar date later.
Turns out, this was a big mistake. I sent him a couple of text messages over the next week and he was slow to respond — a day on average. After that week, he finally suggested a date. That date came around, and I sent a message asking him if he was ready to go. He wrote back hours later, saying he “forgot” and that he was at his mom's house! He apologized and said he was going to call later. Two days pass and no call. I have finally responded to him with a text that suggests his likely disinterest and notes my depleting patience. I'm guessing that he'll ignore it. I know this is a long story, but maybe you can help. What in the hell happened?! How did this guy go from wanting to write the night away to ignoring me? I really hit it off with him at first, and that doesn't happen for me very often. I'm pretty blue about the whole thing.
—Nancy Sinatra

Nancy,
How did you know my secret identity? Yes, Dateopia: I, Dr. Date, am none other than Dateman — one doctor in an epic quest to save the Twin Cities campus from the stupidity and lameness of the evil Network. Enough of my night gig, though, let’s crack open your problems. This guy told you that he’s only been in one other relationship; was it with a guy or a girl? He might still be very nervous about dating a man. It seems like you said there were times when you two really connected, but then he would become distant or unresponsive. Perhaps he’s still not comfortable with a gay relationship, and when things started to work he got scared. Nowhere does it say you have to go out with a newbie, but think back to when you first started getting into the dating scene. Gay rights have come a long way, but there is still prejudice against gays in society. If you agree, then why not try to help him by taking things slowly with him and telling him about your first dating experiences? If this guy isn’t just uncomfortable or nervous about the situation, you should leave him and his employee discount in the dirt. Any guy who says he forgot a date and is at his mom’s house probably isn’t worth losing sleep over.
—Dr. Date

Dr. Date,
So, I was walking toward the mall today (Friday) and as I was passing Kolthoff (I think it’s called) by Washington Avenue there was a very nice young woman who I couldn't help but pay attention to. So, as we passed each other, she held eye contact for a while and reciprocated a smile (which is nice, because I'm not what I would consider a prime example of the male gender) and then, out of nowhere, a pigeon flew right in front of her face and landed on the ledge. She was clearly flustered — as I would have been — but the timing was absolutely hilarious. It was a nice mix of attraction, terror and humor in a matter of three seconds. Thought I'd share, because I can't stop thinking about it. I hope I run into her again; it would be nice to talk to her next time.
Here's to hoping.
—Look Out, Rogue Pigeon!

Rogue Pigeon,
I feel like my column is becoming less of an advice forum and more like Missed Connections. Come on, Dateopia, it’s summer time! Be bold and aggressive, because people don’t have the “I’m cold and going to walk away fast” excuse anymore. Next time a pigeon flies in, you should pull off a cheesy pick-up line like, “If I had wings, I’d fly after you, too.” Trust the cheese Dateopia, trust the cheese.
—Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,
So I've been having this craving for a steamy love affair with a closeted gay professor. You know, sexy office-hour shenanigans, candlelit dinners, secret outings to the falls at Minnehaha on a starlit night and hot, passionate sex in an ambient, Victorian-inspired room with the triumphant music of Gounod's “Faust” playing at the precipice of our sexual satiation. To sum my feelings up in fewer words, I'm Harry Potter looking for some action from Dumbledore. So, Dr. Date, I have just one question for you: Are you a professor with that Ph.D. of yours and, if so, name a time and place that we can meet to get this love train started, baby!
—Fire in the Night

Fire,
No. My goodies and my freak nasty are not for hire. But I hear Bruininks looks mighty feisty in a Speedo.
—Dr. Date