Network

From Strangestlove

Net, don't look at D.D. and Fashionista as the lesser of two evils, but as who'd you want to spend the next 80 years in a mineshaft with after a nuclear or biological Armageddon. Assuming you could procreate with either of these two, whose freaks would you want to inherit the Earth? Net: You know what they say when you assume? That you’re a NUTTing idiot. I would rather eat squirrel DEUCE than procreate with either of those two. Also, assuming your offspring would look like the Morlocks from the 1960 film “Time Machine” with Rod Taylor, would you rather have smartly dressed Morlocks … or dateless, sex-fantasizing, pubescent, hermit-like Morlocks? Net: Or maybe I could screw everyone over and let the Doc and Fashionista make whoopee. Mankind can start anew with a race of terribly dressed, sexually awkward NUTTers!

From M'Erica!

First of all, Dr. Date sucks. Net: It’s agreed that all of NUTTing Networkia agrees. His column is a bunch of people who are too afraid to take action in their personal lives and rely on the advice of a “Doctor” to tell them the course of their life. Net: Giving love advice is easy. If he/she doesn’t go home with you on the first night, it’s not worth it. Here's the thing, you ignorant NUTTers: If you don't start doing things for yourselves, you will never get by in the world. Net: Except homework. Get some NERD to do that. Take a chance. If you find someone you genuinely like, GO FOR IT Net: GOPHER IT! YOU STUPID NUTTERS! Second, I would like to address the epidemic of “FML” that has infiltrated our campus. Net: I blame it on the NUTTing squirrels. I don't want to hear about your problems, and I don't care whether or not your life is screwed up. Net: OOOH! But I do! Send me stories about your NUTTING PATHETIC life. PLEASE! Same goes as for the Dr. Date Drones: If your life sucks Net: Which it probably does (unless you belong to Networkia). DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE IT. Net: Get some BLING BLANG! If some kid calls you a fat loser, and you readily admit that you are, lose some weight and stop sucking. Don't put it on some dumbass site to see if people feel bad for you. They don't. Net: Networkia doesn’t. They like laughing at your misery. Just like Net. Net: Just like me.