Network

Net: All right you NUTTers. This week I received CRAP for letters. What’s the dillio, Networkia? Where are the letters plotting for WORLD DOMINATION? Where are the letters protesting Fashionista’s stupidity and Dr. Loveless’ bogus advice? Where are the letters telling me how THE MAN has got you down? It’s disappointing that this was the best letter we got:

From Sad Person
I am mad. Net: So is Networkia. My new landlord says I cannot keep my pet flies anymore. I have had these flies for almost two years, and I am heartbroken over this. I told him that Billy, Fred, Phil, Charlie and Robert are best friends and cannot be split up. Net: Tell Billy, Fred, Phil, Charlie and Robert that they should find the landlord of the flies. I hear he has housing options for “their kind.” He doesn’t understand. Net: Most people don’t. He told me that I could keep only one of the flies. What a jerk. What am I supposed to do with the other four flies? Net: Eat them. I hear they’re good protein. They all have their own personalities and flitter to the top of their jar every morning (that means they want food). It is so cute. I love each one for their differences. Phil has a broken wing, and I doubt his new owner will help him with his post-injury exercises. Net: I doubt YOUR new owner is going to help you with your personality disorder. Doesn’t he understand what it is like to have a connection with a pet? Net: Do you know what it’s like to have a connection with a human being? I know that if you were my landlord, Network, you would let me keep my babies. Net: No. No, I wouldn’t. Now I have to search for a new home for them. My summer has been ruined. Net: All right, Sad Person, now that you’re done b-----ing and moaning about your stupid problem, I want to reiterate to Networkia that we need better content. I want to hear your ideas for WORLD DOMINATION!