Network

Net: FUDGE. It’s cold again, Netoworkia. Now is the time to stay inside and scheme.

From Will_Netherlands

Let's set the truth straight about the Dinkytown riot. Net: Let’s. Are we still saying that small flame of a gathering was a NUTTing riot? Puh-Leeze! For all those who have heard that a young woman gave birth near the corner of Seventh Street and 14th Avenue, it is true! Net: Babies having babies.

It was just before dusk, and a young woman named Mary began giving birth. Net: Let me guess, she said she was a virgin, too?

The inns were full, so the young woman had to give birth under a porch! Net: There are worse places. A baby boy was born, and all exalted! Net: And then started puking their NUTTing guts out. People were so excited about this new baby boy, Net: a descendent of one drunken night between an incoming first-year and a liquored-up frat boy our Spring Jam Savior, that libations were poured, and people from all throughout the lands of Dinkytown and Marcy-Holmes gathered in celebration. Three Kings from a far and distant land Net: called frat row came bearing gifts of Jagermeister, Goldschlager and Stolichnaya. Fires were lit in the street to keep the babe warm and dry. Net: and high. People even climbed on top of cars to get a glimpse!

Then, the evil Roman Police Officers, complete with their black masks and truncheons, descended upon the scene. They didn't like the thought of a new baby! The people of Dinkytown rose up to defend their newest family member, but alas, they were defeated. Net: Not defeated — they just retreated. Luckily, the babe was placed in a satchel constructed of Keystone Ice boxes and whisked to safety. Net: Now it’s residing with the squirrels on the highest tree on campus. Do not be afraid, students, he is alive and well! He will rise again next spring! Net: Not if Fun Bobby has anything to do with it. Nice imagination, Will Netherlands, but we all know it was those NUTTing squirrels that ratted everyone out to the Po Po.

From LivingInDormsSuck

Network, I think you are so lame. Net: Ouch. Seriously. Your sarcasm is pointless and your column is pointless. Net: That means a lot coming from you. Why do they even let you write in this paper, anyway? Net: Because they don’t think that anyone reads this far back in the paper. Seriously. You are the most pointless column ever. Dr. Date is so much more interesting than you are. Net: Your sarcasm is almost too much, also. But I do have one thing to ask of you. Do you have a guy or girl in your life? Net: I see where you’re going with this. Cuz I'm single, and I would date a NUTTing jerk like you. Net: I would date a jerk like me, too.