Network

From: econrecon
Net, what’s all this in the papers about NOT hating on Carlson students? Who would ever have such an idea? Net: Most likely a Carlsoner themselves; what other losers would look for help in the Daily? If the people who write into us are any indication of the rest of the readers, who gives a NUTT what any of them think? Carlson students need to be derided and disgraced at every opportunity possible in order to keep them down where they belong — at the bottom of the order with the rest of the douchbags. Net: That’s harsh, but we likey. On another note, pasta is freakin’ awesome. I tried some rotelle last night and it was delish. Net: P-p-p-pasta? You c-c-cooked PASTA??!

From: Bopkat
Hey skittly-dat-doodly-doo networkerino. Net: Call us that again and we’ll rip your titties off. How’s it shakin’? It’s like, so groooooovy outside now, home-doggy. Net: Gee golly, all this not freezing our asses off business sure is nifty. All the fine females are out enjoying the weather in their skimpy dimpy clothes while all the gentlemen enjoy a nice toke in the park. Net: A nice vision of the world, but we think it’s the ladies who are the real toke monkeys out there. Dare say I wish it could be like this all year-round. Ahh, but I know it’s just borrowed time. What a fool I can be …

From: Elisabeth Lucero
Show her all your power! Net: Come here, baby; I’m going to show you our power. Give your health some attention: http://kmtc.oyqwibyji.com/ . Net: You know you want to.

From: University Police Chief Greg Hestness
On Sunday, Nov. 8 at approximately 7:30 p.m., a 21-year-old University of Minnesota student was the victim of a robbery while crossing the 10th Avenue Bridge.
The victim was walking northbound on east side the bridg, Net: Which is to say he was walking over the edge. coming from the Seven Corners area toward University Avenue SE. As the victim passed, the suspect asked the victim for money. The victim initially ignored the suspect and continued walking, but the suspect came from behind, grabbed the victim by the left shoulder Net: The EAST shoulder. and told the victim to empty his pockets. The suspect took a small amount of cash and fled south toward the Seven Corners area.
The suspect did not display or say he had a weapon, and the victim was not injured. Net: Though his karma was severely damaged.
The suspect is described as a black male in his early 30s, approximately five feet, ten inches tall with a medium build. He had a scruffy beard and was wearing a dark blue, puffy jacket and black pants.
Net: Thanks for the info, chief; even science experiments like us need to keep up on the puffy jacket pirate gang.