Network

Net: Wine flu go away, come again this time on Sunday. Symptoms of wine flu include red eyes, sensitivity to light, vomiting and impregnation. Treatment is beer and bloodletting. Wear a mask and stay away from doctors of date.

From: Erick Major
All-powerful and all-knowing Net, can you explain why Frat Row hasn’t NUTTing burned down yet? Net: Ye doubter! Ye heathen of indescribable devilish deeds! It be true that we are the all knowing and the all seeing in this here neck of the woods, but the pandering of ye shall not spare the wicked wrath that shall be rained for your ignorance. The fire that you seek is not a physical fire that feeds on sticks and newspaper, but is a viral fire that feeds on skin and hair. And yet, it burns bright into the night and is hotter than a million suns. Seek deep into the depths of the babay snakays that come out at night and ye shall find this mythical fire. With that in mind, we must all remember that just because the great physical fire of mortals hasn’t happened yet, doesn’t mean it won’t. We predict that the gods of drank and dank shall be so enraged with merciless anger over the desecration of the intellectual gift of man that lightning shall strike and a great inferno shall begin.

From: SpacemanMcGee
God NUTTing damnit Net, I can’t stand it when it gets so frickin’ dark outside when it’s only 5 o’clock in the FRICKIN’ AFTERNOON. It makes me SO DEPRESSED Net: We don’t know if “depressed” is the right word to use in all caps. The word you are looking for is more like raged or frickin’ psycho that I want to FREAK OUT. Net: You’re back from the frickin’ and now doing the freaking. You know whose fault it is? Net: Why that’d be ooooold man winter heh heh heh. It’s Benjamin Franklin’s fault, that old piece of crap. He changed the clock around so that we wouldn’t waste candles which was really freakin’ short-sighted because now we don’t even need those stupid things anymore BECAUSE WE HAVE ELECTRICTY but we still change the times and now everyone lives in lonely darkness for half the year. Goddamnit.