Network

PB
From: Onceagaingopher

Dear Net, Long time reader, first time ... uh, typer? Net: Slobberer, we think is the preferred term. I got back this year for grad school and noticed my beloved SCB is now gone. Here is a haiku in memoriam.

Gloomy-maze-pit of doom
Pocked concrete, smells of old socks
I miss your leg room Net: Little buddy’s gone to the great fishbowl in the sky.

From: shrimponthebarbie Net: That sick game that all the little boys do with the little girls’ dolls?
So there is this new building in Dinkytown, I’m sure everyone in Networkia has seen it. Net: Perverted dirty birds such as yourself cannot assume that Networkia has “seen” anything, because Networkia only believes in things that come in bottles and rhymes with “leer.” Otherwise, said thing will have to pass the “will it burn” test. I’m talking about Sydney Hall, that faux dorm being erected behind the Dinkydome. Net: Know a lot about erections in the behind of things, namely you? HO! Every time I see that sign with the three perfectly racially diverse, smiling, clean nerds on the corner of 15th Avenue and Fourth Street, it makes me pissed for some reason. I feel like they are standing there just faking smiles and when I turn around they start ripping on me. Those insincere bastards. Net: You are crazy in the coconut my friend. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t heed every instruction that your flat friends give you. In fact, I think I hear them now … SHHH, listen … “Psst, shrimp. Hey, it’s me, the Asian girl from the poster. You want to be cool, right? Here’s what you got to do then: Burn down your house. Just burn it down. Great job buddy, I knew you could do it for us.” How merkwerdig. Does my life really suck so much that I am projecting my insecurities on fake people from an advertisement, Net: Yes. or is there witchery afoot. Net: Good point. I hear the new place is being built over an Indian burial mound and you know how them spirits get cheesed over things like that. I feel like there must be some kind of subconscious hauntings going on with the help of voodoo or some NUTT. Either way, I’ll be happy when the thing gets done, the sign is taken down and all of the sad, depressed, real homogenous (white) students move in. Net: So that’s where the “homogenized” in homogenized milk comes from. Taste that creamy sadness.