Network

From Daily luvin

I need your help. I get hornier with every response Dr. Date gives his readers. What should I do? Make a move on his dating advice and finally show him a thing or two in the Bible of love, or please myself daily with the Daily? Net: We don’t usually do this, but …

Luvin everyday,

First of all, wetting yourself over predictable responses to sophomoric — or should we say freshmanic? — problems might be a problem. Let’s check out what that old DSM we got in touchy feely Medical School says … Ah ha, here it is, right here in between “Incest” and “Ingestation of Roommate’s Bodily Refuse!” Ho boy, says here you might have a case of “Infatuation with Doctors with Inevitably Overly Trite Advice,” or Idiota, as it is more commonly known. Idiota has been known to be caused by deep-seeded depression, dorm culture and dog bites. Sufferers tend not to leave campus much and have an unusually high tendency to major in psychology (with emphasis in child psychology) or political science.

Anyway, enough with the medical jargon. There are a few things you must consider when deciding whether to make a move. Should you clamp down on your target like a suffocating bunny rabbit between those two doughy trashcans you call your legs — HACHA! — or should you play it cool and approach it slowly? But before we answer, we have another question we’d like to pose to you.

Doctor, as we all know, is a very ambiguous word. Is the title bearer someone who gets their jollies from sticking fingers up the poop shoots of middle-aged men, or is the degree just a Ph-ake-d one? Aside from this, Doctor is also gender and species neutral. Would you willing to accept the love if Dr. Date turns out not to be a man but a woman or even a masturbating turtle the managing editor keeps under his desk?

To answer your question, we’d advise you to play it cool at first and get to know your subject a bit better before letting him/her poke or be poked by you. Something like, “Why do the kids call you Dr. Daterape?” or “If we go to meet your parents, what type of fish should I expect them to be?” is a great way to break the ice.

But honey, let us tell you something: You looking fo’ love in all the wrong places, but such is life. Good luck with your idiota.

—Network