Network

Welcome back to school toadies. Did you use that pumpkin-pie trick we talked about over break? Did you do something brave on Thanksgiving like come out to your parents or better yet, out your little brother? That’s our good little citizens of Networkia.

From Hoverround

Dear Net,
Before I saw those commercials on TV with the nice young people showing me how I could get around the house on my own, I was bedridden. Who knew I could make it all the way here to the Grand Canyon using just my Hoverround?! Net: Thanks Mrs. Hover for proving to us that you people who write into Net really do have nothing better to do than type up pure garbage. Mine came at no cost to me because of my Medicare, just because I asked about it. Net: You’d be the first to go under the Obama-care, death-panel plan, god almighty, it gets through Congress and out on the street

From Stacy
Network! What happened to you? I went to read you last week, and it sounded like you had become Dr. Date! What’s going on? Are you alright? Net: Stacy, you ignorant slut, we hope you are joking. If not, we, the medical doctors Network, proscribe you to relax with a long bath, facedown in the tub. Preferably with some soft Manilow playing in the background.

From BirdFlu

Listen up, Net, I have the most greenest idea in the world. Net: Whathca got for us, dingo? It doesn’t use any electricity, is totally cool and is quick as lightning. Net: If this is a dick joke we’re going to rip if off and throw it into the ocean. Carrier Pigeons! They are the smartest creatures in the world outside of dolphins and dogs. Who needs the compass app on an iPhone when these things have them built inside of their head? Net: Yeah, good point h1n1 kid. They’ve got needles in their head AND they crap on your head. Who’dve thunk it? All we need is a few coops here and there and maybe a week or two to get the little things trained, and we’ll be all set. What do you think about that? Net: It’s people like you that make Al Gore proud.