Network

Net: Dr. Date wishes he were a woman. Did you know?

From: Beowulf

Hi Net, Do you think the phrase “both the three of us” sounds kinky? I need to know. Net: Come on, to us, one more time and we will spear you like an elk tracked by Jared Allen.

From: Observant

Were you strolling along in the Northrop Mall on Monday? Net: And if by stroll you mean slither upon a layer of grease and excrement, then yes, we might have been on a little promenade last Montag. I thought I saw a little trail of crap … Net: That might have been it, but in the Mall there are so many trails of crap going around it’s hard to claim ownership of any one of them. You’ve got the crap left over by Mike Gould, the freshmen and then you’ve got all that metaphorical crap that comes from the passing of the American youth and what can only be expected, the Minnesota Daily columnists too. but maybe that was some leftovers from the football team’s poopie playing last weekend? I don’t know … Net: That too, they just sling that crap around.

Net: Speaking of Mike Gould, and he should be spoken of as much as possible, we want to promote that man for all the years of service he’s given to us over the semesters. He should be given a gold star for making us revisit The Chronicles of Narnia and the Bible — works that would otherwise have no literary value. So we think that in order to show our love and to give the Gopher football team some other form of inspiration, so as to channel their 2”x4” head smashing and young female-violating extracurriculars, we think a man like Mike Gould should replace Tim Brewster as the head football coach. Think about it: Gould could be paid in hotdogs instead of MONEY and it would keep him occupied and off the Mall. So next time you are being preached at by this unsung hero, remember to approach him and say, “Hello Mike, will you be my coach?” Together we can make it happen. If it all works out, maybe Brother Jed could be our hockey coach.