Network

From: Beowulf

How did Colombus manage to fit two of every species of animal aboard the Mayflower? Net: If only you would have paid attention to your History of the Roman Empire class last semester instead of sitting in the back and eating glue, you would have known that he did it by asking President Bruininks to throw a buttonhole to Jesus deep in the end zone, which began a string of events leading to Jesus becoming the first black man elected the vice president of China. It was in this position that Jesus was able to meet Adolf Hitler and learn the secrets of efficient packing and dental hygiene. Whereupon Jesus wrote a book that doth spaketh these secret methods, and that book is called “Twilight.” But the book is so wrought in symbolism that most people dismiss it as a wankfest.

From: Fishsticks

Net the most awesome thing is happening to our rivers Net: They’re on fire! There is this new type of carp, I don’t know, I think it is Asian. Net: Is it from Nipon? IS IT MAGIKARP?! That’s even cooler than fire water. But it is so stupid that it jumps out of the water whenever it gets scared of something like a preditor, or something that sounds like a preditor, such as a boat motor. Net: Come on FUTThead, are you doing this on a typewriter? Think of Dr. Date, he’s a pred-A-tor because he seeks out sex with children by asking them on DATES. You are a dit. Mnemonics. They jump the FUTT out of the water. It’s flippin’ awesome, except for the fact that they flip around and wap any poor sap that happens to be in the way. Overall, I think it’s a good thing because it will hopefully give rise to the sport of aerial bow fishing Net: Or aerial fish strangling in these parts. Net: Just blame it on the Asian fish, eh Mr. Sticks? Sure, if the fish were European they would be seen as the smart fish, or if they were South American they would be the sexy ones. But no, you have to go ahead and make them out to be flying karate ninja fish. Of course it would be the carp that would jump out of the air and karate chop you in the face. Other fish wouldn’t stoop to that level.