Network

Dear Network,
As you often don’t come into the office during normal business hours, I felt a letter would be the best way to inform you that this will be your last week at The Minnesota Daily. Net: What the NUTT is going on? There are a number of reasons I have come to this decision, including:

1) The live squids that you request as part of your compensation for food are extremely expensive to have flown in each week Net: We’ve told you before, live Japanese squids are the only things that give us sustenance. How are we supposed to live without our precious? and have thus caused us to have to stop publishing our Friday print edition. We would have to make more cuts if we are to keep feeding you in this capacity. Net: Give us live squids or give us death. The first STUPID REASON.

2)The army of squirrels that station themselves outside the Daily is a health hazard for all Daily employees. Their feces has built up outside the office and it has a real stench that many have complained about. Net: And you want to be a weak newspaper when China sends over its fierce panda bear troops? You people disgust us. STUPID REASON.

3) The UMPD has complained for the millionth time that your ramblings incite riots and should not continue to be tolerated. After the Dinkytown riots last spring, we’ve become tired of defending you to the men in blue. Net: Oh yeah, real heroes they are, blame it on Network just because they get out of their element every time they respond to a crime that isn’t bike theft. STUPID REASON.

4) Your column also generates the following of some what I refer to as “obsessed fans” who camp out at the Daily constantly asking your identity. Net: Spray the air with gas like we told you and those NUTTing idiots will go away soon enough. It makes others feel uncomfortable and creeped out. Net: Not my fault if lesser journalists can’t handle the real world of Networkia. STUPID REASON.

This, among other reasons, is why management has decided to cease your employment with the Daily, effective after the semester ends. If you have further questions, please do not contact me. Net: We may not try to contact you, but we can’t speak for the pile of NUTT that has a date with your pillow, lady. And don’t go trying to blame this on some CSOM infiltration. I am a J-School student and have not been influenced by outside parties in this decision.

Sincerely,
Molly Hiller
Cidtor-in-Eief

Net: It’s the greeks then! Those dirty rotten greeks are trying to silence the truth. Believe in the tunnels people. DON’T LET ME DIE!