Network

Net: As we write this, The Minnesota Daily Nazi stormtroopers are surrounding our location. Those goddamn fascists, those cock-sucking commies, those liberal media elite. Their glistening harpoons of downsizing clutched in their greedy liberal mittens. We know what they really want, they’re after our SECRET OIL juice excreted from the underside of our tentacles that can cure cancer and blindness and will get you higher than huffing coke smoke out of a bottle. Those motherFUTTing junkies.
We don’t even give a NUTT anymore, you want to know all the secrets of Net? Well here they are. We were behind the bookshelf in the Annex the whole time. We piss in all the tuna fish in Comstock, every day. We turn your gold into cash. We are the greatest computer hacker in the world. We are the outcome of an orgy gone wrong with Sandra Bullock, the Thunder God Thor and Garth Brooks — the same way Jared Allen was born but with Michelle Bachman. We are granted at least three of the finest stock freshman from orientation to consume and use for personal slaves, two more than Fun Bobby. The squirrels were just a ploy, the real power in the Networkia Army lies in the bird generals. Mike Gould is a robot program controlled by an iPhone. The frat tunnels to Mesa were also a ploy, their main purpose is to lead to Middlebrook, the secret Nazi headquarters of the new Fouth Reich. We are both a brain in a jar and a 27 tentacled fantastical deep sea creature at the same time. The color orange does not exist. And THERE IS NO WAY TO KILL US. WHAHAHAHAHA!!