Dr. Date

Dateopia,
As you may have gathered from our friend/nemesis Network, he is no more.
You see, Network is and always has been an alien replicon from beyond the moon.
He returned to his home where he’ll continue to dole out zingers and stick it to frat-types. But now they’ll be space zingers and space frat-types.
Godspeed, you crazy, tentacle-y bastard.

Dear Dr. Date,
I’ve been in a relationship with this girl for a little over a year now, and things are going pretty well. I heroically rescued her from the tower of virginity and this damsel is no longer in distress … at least not a dry kind.
Things are great, but I feel like this hero isn’t getting the attention he deserves. She has never orally slayed my dragon, nor does she touch me much at all during sex. She has said that she is just not ready to blow my member a tender kiss.
Am I wrong in thinking she is being selfish? Don’t guys deserve some mutual favors and admiration during sex?
—A Night in Drenched Armor

Night in Drenched Armor,
First off, your moisture comments are totally gross. That said, I do appreciate your epic virgin-slaying prose.
You can certainly bring up your dragon’s lack of mouth action. She might get pissed, but she is equally likely to respond with genuine concern.
Really, though, you’re merely experiencing something all guys do: the illusion of not enough sex. Dudes are evolutionarily geared to go at it all the time, and girls are more tactful and less needy.
You’re not being selfish — as long as you approach the conversation in a polite, loving way. No guarantee on anything changing, though.
—Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,
My girlfriend of about a month just revealed to me what sounded like a one-night stand that happened a couple months ago before we knew each other.
I said it wasn’t a big deal since it had happened months ago, but now it’s kind of been on my mind and bothering me.
Is it within my boyfriend bill of rights to ask for the context of the situation? I’m not a “one-night stand” type of guy and am concerned if she’s a “one-night stand” type of girl, even though she doesn’t seem like the type.
—Not Creative Enough to Come up with a Witty Nickname to fit this Situation

Not Creative Enough,
You two have only dated for a month? It’s completely fair to ask her for a little context. You’ve known this girl for all of four weeks; you both deserve to know where the other stands from a sexual standpoint.
Odds are it was an isolated type thing for her. But don’t let the worry and doubt fester in your head. It is within your bill of rights to enquire — just be cool about it.
—Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,
I dated this guy for three years, back when I was 17 years old. We attempted to rekindle our relationship earlier this year.
Sadly enough, this only lasted for about a month due to lifestyle differences. Since then, we have been exclusive “bedroom buddies.” Our exclusive status ended about a month ago when he blacked out at a party and woke up next to some random chick.
A few days later, he developed what he thought was the flu. Then he came to find out he contracted genital herpes from Miss. Randomness. Luckily for me, the last time he and I got together was a week before this whole incident. Here is where my problem comes into play.
He claims this whole ordeal has changed his life for the better. He says he wants to grow up and have a “real” relationship with me. He claims he doesn’t want to drink or whore around anymore. How am I to know he has really changed his ways? Does he only want to be with me as a last resort, since I’m sure he fears rejection elsewhere?
Should I risk my health and any future relationships on something that has already failed twice?
—Herp-lesly Confused

Herp-lesly Confused,
Good gosh, I see a lot of herpes-related questions come across my desk.
Each situation is different, obviously, but they never fail to be absolutely gross.
As for your case (which is, thankfully, not the case of herpes), dump the hell out of this guy. Few men are worth incurable, festering genital sores. By the look of this chode, he doesn’t even come close to fitting the bill.
—Dr. Date