Dr. Date

Dr. Date
Help! I really like this guy who my roommates and I have become really close with. Also, he lives in our same apartment building. Problem is, he likes one of my roommates and not me.
He’s sending really mixed signals though because he and I are super close; he even jokes about having kids one day and we keep finding all these things in common. But then he will text her and tell her he likes her a lot and wants to be with her.
The other twist is that she doesn’t like him at all! He keeps trying but she keeps saying no! So now my feelings are hurt. I really like this guy and he seems to like me back, but I couldn’t date him knowing how much he likes my roommate. Is he just using our close friendship as a way in with my roommate? To make matters worse, my roommate gets the biggest ego trip ever out of the whole situation. Just because she went to a small high school and thinks everybody just loves her, and she hasn’t yet realized that she’s not all she thinks she is. Please help!
—Can’t Think of a Clever Code Name

Can’t Think,
I hope you’re signed up for a creative writing class next semester. What about “Dawson’s Apartment,” or “Friends: The College Years,” or “Joanie loves Chachi?” Something along those lines.
Anyway, it looks like this episode of your very own sitcom might be one of the sad-ending episodes. It’s likely that your roommate will never get over herself, so I’m just going to leave her out of the script. If you and this guy really do get along like you say, I doubt he’s just using you to get to her — real connections are hard to fake. Have you tried talking to him about how you feel? It’s a scary idea, considering that he might not feel the same way.
Yet, that’s really your only option. It’s either spill the beans or watch as your heartthrob continues to pump up your roommate’s ego. Like it or not, that will continue until she gets so big you have to pop her like a balloon and you get so frustrated you start jumping in front of this guy screaming how you’re better for him. All in all, not a very pretty sight. If you’re not ready to make a move on your own, he’ll eventually move on from your roommate after being rejected the umpteenth time. I’d suggest putting yourself out there now, before he starts crushing on someone else.
—Dr. Date

Doc,
I gotta ask: What the heck has happened to you? I have long been a follower of your section, and it seems this semester you have only gotten more chauvinistic, cynical and sexual. All of your advice has sucked. It’s completely male-minded and it has nothing to do with love, even though you call yourself the “love doctor.” Maybe you should go back to undergrad to get schooled some more because love is not just sex!
In fact, believe it or not, some people on this campus don’t go around having random sex to satisfy their loneliness, because I’m sure, as many who’ve done so have learned, it only leaves the person emptier.
If you can’t think up more creative things to tell people than to go get laid, then you shouldn’t be in charge of this column. I hope to God you don’t have a journalism degree alongside that B.A. in BS, because you make the Minnesota Daily less credible just by calling yourself the good doctor.
—Angry Female Reader Sick of the “Sex” Cop-out

Dear Dr. Date,
I’m so disappointed in your response to Herp-lessly Confused. There are many people living with genital herpes who are not whores and may just be victims of unfortunate events or love for a partner they are comfortable sharing sexual experiences with. About 20 percent of the population over the age of 12 has genital herpes. It shouldn’t banish one from the dating realm and can make one reevaluate how they deal with relationships.
I hope you would at least reconsider your judgment of those with herpes to be normal, decent human beings.
—Disgusted With Your Disgust

Disgusted and Angry,
I don’t know how credible the Daily is anymore, since it has taken me this long to get Network out of here, which is what brings me to my next point. Sometimes I get busy with the anti-Network warpath or other doctoral things, so I can’t always explain every single detail. To those who were mad at the smoking thing: You shouldn’t be in college if you’re willing to start doing something — especially something as life-altering as smoking — if someone simply tells you to do it. You probably shouldn’t have made it past middle school, when your friends told you to jump off the bus when it was on the highway. People with herpes aren’t disgusting, but the constant pubic adjustments certainly aren’t eye candy.
On the herpes letter, that guy was obviously looking for anyone to take him back since women have wised up to his act. The guy was a loser — with or without herpes — who wasn’t interested in the writer. I certainly don’t condone random sex all over campus, because that’s how 20 percent of the population got herpes and public fornication is illegal.
However, everyone is looking for something different at this point in their life. Some are looking for love while others just want a little something-something. Time to loosen up a little bit, folks. There are still months of winter left, and we’ll never make it if we’re at each other’s throats already! Let’s make love, not angry letters to Dr. Date.
—Dr. Date

Dearest of all doctors,
Can you please tell us why so many women in the Midwest grow a mustache?
—Unattracted to Mustaches!

Unattracted,
Because you touch yourself at night.
—Dr. Date