Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

My best friend and I work together. Recently, he has fallen for a girl who is nothing but bad news. She's 110 percent spoiled, makes fun of all the customers at work (24/7 making fun of fat people, old people, disabled people, mentally handicapped people), whines constantly and is generally an all-around bad person.

All he sees are her “pretty green eyes,” which look like devil eyes to me. Every time she opens her mouth I wish she would shut it because whatever she says is about as offensive and tasteless as headcheese on melba toast. I just can't understand why he's fallen for this deplorable human being. How do I get him to look INTO Satan-girl's eyes to see her soul instead of just what color they are? The last thing I want is for my best friend's children to be walking around with hooves.

—Rosstafarian

Rosstafarian,

You just have to play it cool, mon. Although you'd probably be doing a society a favor by limiting this girl's potential gene pool, you can't just tear this girl apart and expect your friend to actually listen to you. More likely, he will just ignore you and fall harder for this girl. However, if she really is the devil like you say she is, she will probably end up doing your dirty work for you.

Unfortunately, that will most likely mean pulling out your friend's beating heart and curb-stopping it to oblivion. Take some advice from your namesake friends: Play it cool. Hopefully this crush will simply fade as he realizes how much of a biznatch this girl really is. If hell freezes over and your friend actually starts dating this chick, you still need to play it cool. Ask him why he likes this girl and why he is interested in dating her. You can then casually bring up that you think she is rather mean to customers and living creatures in general. We can hardly control who we crush for, let alone who our friends will crush for. Good luck mon. If nothing else, their relationship could serve as good material for your new reggae career.

—Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I have known this guy since the summer when we met while volunteering, and we have gotten to know each other well. I have liked him since the summer, but recently over break, over a game of cat and mouse, we confessed our feelings and they were mutual, which I didn't find surprising, to be honest.

I was considered a backburner because he didn't think I would be interested in him because of age. We have decided to give this a try, but it's going to be quite secretive. We recently met up in a parking lot and hooked up. He kept on saying he was very nervous about it, due to the fact that he is a Catholic senior in high school and I am a college sophomore who lost my virginity when I was younger than he is right now.

I have done my fair share of hookups, and he can tell. It seems like he is quite intimidated by me, like when I went down on him and he got off in minutes. I mentioned sex, and he told me he’s saving himself, but he later said he is not, just that he is nervous about it all.

Now, every time I mention “hanging out” with him or ask him to come over the only thing that comes to his mind is SEX. I completely respect his wishes, and I told him we didn't have to. He can't give me pleasure since he has never gone past a double hitter in his career in the majors — or should I say minor leagues? How can I handle this guy, because for once there is a guy who likes me and I like him even when I’m not intoxicated.

—Back to the Minors?

Minors,

There's a reason why people are told it's important to date people their own age until later in life. You are experiencing the reason: being at completely different stages in life. I'm not saying don't date this guy, but you're trying to have a relationship with someone who is at a different emotional maturity level than you.

You “handle” this guy by becoming the coach of the minors, especially in the bedroom. He probably has never had a girlfriend before, let alone a sexual experience. Unless his religious beliefs prohibit him, you need to coach him so that he can drive you home — if you catch my drift. In terms of handling your relationship with him, realize that he is very inexperienced. You will have to be very forward and open with him, and expect the regular drama from any high school relationship. As I said, if this relationship is going to work, you will most likely need to take the role of coach upon yourself. Good luck, and I hope your team makes it to the championship.

—Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

Where is Network? What have you done to Network? I don't know what to do anymore …

—Networkless

Networkless,

Unfortunately, due to labor laws, The Minnesota Daily was unable to completely eradicate Network. Network still lurks the halls here at the Daily and haunts everyone's dreams with the mere sight of its tentacles. Thankfully, it has no power anymore and no space in the actual paper. Network's new address is at stopwastingyourtime@networksucks.com. As for your final statement, you should start living your life. Breathe the free air, Dateopia. Network is gone, once and for all! The future just got a little bit brighter.

—Dr. Date