Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,
I have this problem and it’s really affecting my love life. It all started when I was a precocious youth, full of wonderment and Batman made a surprise appearance at my birthday party. My friends and I were so excited that he had taken time out of his busy crime-fighting schedule to come to Minnesota and dazzle us with tales of derring-do.
But when Batman walked in the door, he seemed ... different. His chest was noticeably bigger, his ungloved hands were dainty and well versed in balloon-animal artistry, and his mouth possessed a delicate, dare I say feminine, curve.
Don't get me wrong; it was a great birthday. But since that day, I can't achieve an erection unless my girlfriend dons a Batman mask and vows to “clean up the streets of Gotham.”
At first my lady was into the kink factor, but lately she’s getting fed up with my *ahem* battiness. What should I do?
—Boners for Batman

Boners for Batman,
Role play is not a bad thing, but deeply repressed sexual misalignment can be. Short answer: you probably need to see a head doctor.
But short answers are boring and overly simplified. So here’s my Romanceology arrived at solution.

1. Scour all the details of that birthday. Inquire about the identity of this sexy bat person your parents hired.
2. Track down the woman. Hide in her shrubs, go through her trash — find out what makes her tick.
3. And finally, use your stalk-acquired knowledge to seduce and, yes, make furious love to this now old woman.

Modern psychology won’t agree with my diagnosis that you’ll be emotionally healed, but, at the very least, you’ll have some sweet/themed old lady sex.
Best of luck!
—Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,
I have a large problem that I desperately need help with. I'm interested in a girl who is much larger in stature than I am. Think, when we hold hands my fingers feel like they’re about to break. My hands now understand the mechanics of giving birth but applied to hand holding.
It hurts man ... get it? She is quite grabby too, and I feel like this is becoming a legitimate problem. I'm not the biggest of guys but I'm no shrimp. However, when I hang out with her I feel like I'm starring in “Honey I Shrunk the Kids.” I am attracted her and her personality is awesome, but I feel like this is becoming a legitimate problem.
I also feel like society as a whole frowns on women who are larger than their male counterparts. Am I just feeling threatened by my larger statured woman solely because she's bigger than I am? Please help because I think I'm developing a napoleon complex.
Love,
— Size Matters

Size Matters,
Sigourney Weaver. Uma Thurman. Janet Reno.
See a connection? All tall fillies, all smokin’ hot. Can’t you see, Size? It’s not that you’re a bad person because of your shockingly hateful prejudice, it’s just that … well, I can’t really finish that sentence without ignoring my Love Doctor oath to never call patients bad people.
But maybe you can still be cured. Medical science — a field that is constantly trying to distance itself from mine, is growing with regard to radical shin implants. With the shin bone of Palomino violently bolted between your exiting shin and foot, you can finally have the height you desire!
Or, don’t let stupid things like the content of your letter emasculate you. You have a girlfriend, you’re a man.
—Dr. Date

Dr. Date,
I've had good luck with the women of the University of Minnesota; unfortunately, things still haven't been great for me. I seem to have a knack for hooking up with girls who are in a relationship, which makes me feel like an asshole and probably doesn't do much for their relationship.
These aren't random drunken hookups, either — I've been deliberately told (sober, in all but one case) by every single girl that they either didn't have a boyfriend or had just gotten out of a relationship, which I later find out to be false. Is there something that I might be doing subconsciously to attract these already-taken women, or am I destined to be the dick who steals girlfriends?
— That Guy

That Guy,
I think the fact you’re:

1. Keenly and acutely aware of what you’re doing.
2. Aware that it makes you a dick.
3. Not stopping.

My advice? STOP IT. They have boyfriends — they’re telling you that! Putting away your dick (in these select situations) = not being a dick. So easy.
I’d say best of luck, but luck is a non-factor here. Just be a cool dude, for once.
—Dr. Date