Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,
I’m a guy who’s having a little trouble finding some romance (yes, it’s one of those letters). The problem is I’m a first-year commuter student and I think I’ve got a more virulent strain of commuteritis than is commonly found, complete with the symptoms of complaints and self-pity.
Most of the time for cases like mine, you prescribe finding activities to join in order to pursue the ever so elusive, or so it seems, opposite sex. Well, my glorified high school life had another idea: work.
I work a part-time job with hours so offbeat that some mornings I’m starting my trip home as the ink dries on that day’s issue of The Minnesota Daily. This is coupled with a class schedule that goes from sunup to sundown in lecture halls that feel more like church than anything.
I’m very grateful for my job and opportunities, but virtually no romance, let alone human interaction, gets very noticeable, and with joining activities virtually out, I’m wondering what to do. I’ve thought about striking up a conversation with a girl around me. However, as a veteran of metro transit, I’ve been on the receiving end of this unsolicited attention more than once, and I can see how unwelcome it is (though I’d like to think I’m not quite as crazy as another passenger who shouted “change that diaper!” for about 15 consecutive minutes).
Suffice it to say I’m getting a little disheartened. I’m on one of the largest campuses in the country where seeing the same person twice is as rare as ships passing in the night, and given just about as much ceremony. There are plenty of fish in the sea, but if you’re a hermit crab riding a perpetual motion machine, how much difference does it make?
Can I do it? With how busy I am, is it worth it? Help!
—Existential Nightmare

Nightmare,
I’m going to assume you don’t share visual similarities to your namesake from Soul Calibur, so let’s hold off on the makeover. Of course you can do “it,” as long as you realize what “it” actually is. You have a hectic schedule; don’t you think there’s a chance that some other female “hermit crab” also shares such a socially debilitating defect? You might not be able to spend eight hours a day with someone, but that’s probably a good thing at this point in your life.
Of course when you are on a bus, having someone yell at you to change a diaper raises alarm as to where said diaper exists. However, that doesn’t mean a person would not welcome some friendly conversation. How about a simple hello and a compliment? If the person totally ignores you then he or she is just another fish that you will mindlessly pass in this huge sea.
No real repercussions. I am still going to prescribe the same medicine for you. Get out and do stuff. There are plenty of classes at the recreation center that meet at odd times that could fit into your schedule. Or try getting more involved with people at work, unless you work at a retirement home — where you probably will find plenty of crabs if you disrupt Jeopardy. Good luck and remember that you are the one who chooses to be a hermit crab or a fish.
—Dr. Date

Dr. Date Degrading,
Why have you been so derogative lately? The new Dr. Date sucks. I have consulted many other peers and they agree. Can you imagine if a first- year student’s mom was to read “I like Big Butt”? Why don’t you start respecting women and clean up the Dr. Date section! Your advice is neither useful nor appropriate. You disrespect the University of Minnesota and what it stands for by belittling the submissions the students are serious about!
—Fed Up and Disgusted

Fed up,
Can you imagine if a first year student’s mom were to walk down the halls of a dorm on a Friday or Saturday night? Ladies and gentleman, welcome to college. It’s fun, exhausting, crazy and hormone-filled. In other words, loosen up the chastity belt a few notches Fed Up.
Your parents aren’t in college; you are. Now that Network is out of the picture, I have to pick up its slack in terms of the Daily’s sarcasm quota.
The guy was asking about how to propose anal; I don’t think I’m out of line giving him a playful jab. What’s the best time to talk to someone about such a situation? Well, probably when you talk to them about having sex or what their sexual history is.
Everyone remembers sex ed.; it was that awkward time when some 60-year-old lady put a condom on a banana. Oh, such fond memories. If you’re not comfortable enough with your partner to ask about if they have done or like doing anal, then you certainly aren’t ready to have anal sex with that person.
Relationships are about give and take. You want to have anal sex with your girlfriend? Maybe she wants to do the same thing with you or wants you to actually wash your clothes more than once a year.
Give and take, Dateopia, give and take.
—Dr. Date