Dr. Date

Dr. Date,
I have known this guy for four years, and we have been friends ever since we met.
While I saw him as my best guy friend, he wanted to be in a relationship (which I was clueless about). A year and a half ago he informed me of his feelings, and I had to give him the dreaded “just friends” speech.
Nobody likes hearing the friend speech from the person they fancy. I hated giving it; I know from experience the “friend zone” is not a very pleasant place. After a horrible relationship with some drama-loving chick who cheated on him multiple times, he developed awful depression and anxiety. I tried to give him a shoulder, but he thought it meant maybe I had changed my mind about him.
This was not the case, and I had to shoot him down once again. The time period between then and now has consisted of him losing some of his friends and several “just friends” talks. He automatically assigned me the role of psychiatrist, which I am not equipped to do. Because I saw how sad he was, and because he admitted to thoughts of suicide, I suggested he see a real psychiatrist.
He refused and said he would rather talk to me. I tried to comfort him, but he keeps talking about his feelings for me and hopes I’ll change my mind. I told him there are many other women out there and that he needs to start meeting them.
Since I am a student, it is hard enough trying to juggle school, work, my life and his. He has told me he desperately needs to talk to me, and he is mad I don't have a lot of time for him. I don’t want to bail on him like his other so called “friends,” but what can I do?
I need to worry about my needs too. I don't want to lose my job or let my grades slip. I am worried about him and am sick of repeating the friend speech; it’s beginning to hurt me as much as it hurts him. His guy friends won’t talk to him about his feelings, and they suggested I get out of his life permanently so I don’t constantly remind him of what he can’t have.
I don’t think that would work, but maybe I should try it. I just don’t want to hurt him any more than he is already hurting. How can I help my friend?
—Just Friends

Just Friends,
You are a far better friend than Chris Klein or Ryan Reynolds could ever hope to be. Your friend is in serious trouble and needs serious help. You need to get him to go see help. He sounds severely depressed and needs more than what a friend can give him.
A depressed person needs a selfish relationship with someone, which is where a counselor comes in. This person’s job is to listen to your friend and help him. You need to tell your friend that you want to help him, but he needs professional help.
Tell him you will be there as another form of support, but you can’t help him alone. The University offers free services. Just take him to 340 Appleby Hall; the first time you have to go in person. Make sure you emphasize to him that you are not equipped to provide him with the support he needs right now.
If it comes down to it, you might have to tell him you’re unable to help him anymore unless he goes there. Harsh, but it could also literally save his life. Also, reassure him that there is nothing wrong with getting such help. A lot of people have a stigma against getting help, which is understandable but silly.
Everyone falls down in life, and sometimes we need a little help getting back up.
—Dr. Date

Dr. Date,
With your expert knowledge of romance, do you believe in love at first sight?
—Cupid

Cupid,
I am confused by you asking me this, seeing as you are the one who prances around coercing random people into love.
Your question would depend on how you define “love.” Based on my definition, I would say love at first sight does not exist. Sorry to all you stalkers out there who saw Jennifer Love Hewitt with your favorite Pop-Tart flavor in high school. I do believe in strong attraction at first sight. Sometimes a person will literally just grab your attention and not let go for hours. I don’t think that’s love; I think that’s the promise of love. Wow, one lousy letter from Cupid and I start rambling corny lines about love. Be right back Dateopia, I think I have an arrow in my back.
—Dr. Date

Dr. Date,
So, courtesy of the Web, I’ve got my wang engulfed in Lisa Sparxxx last night when I think, “Ohh shiii ... this is ominously familiar.”
Like the guy micromanaging his Subway that time. Granted, some 19-year-old beauty was gripping his loaf, asking, “How do you like it?” but I'm not the only one who's dreaming of a sandwich artist!
It's getting easier and “harder” to rub one out these days. Know what I mean?
—Han Solo on Darth Vader's head

Solo on Vader,
Word, I guess? Maybe you should stop petting your Wookiee if you want someone to use the force on your helmet. Beyond that, I’m not really sure what you’re asking — although I’m sure Subway appreciates the plug.
—Dr. Date