Review: “When in Rome”

When in Rome”

DIRECTED BY: Mark Steven Johnson

STARRING: Kristen Bell, Josh Duhamel, Will Arnett.

RATED: PG-13

SHOWING AT: Area Theaters

It’s that time of year again, when manufactured sentiment flitters through the air like an errant Favre pass and movie studios spew out mediocre rom-coms, not unlike vomit, in preparation for that most horrible of Hallmark holidays.

These are trying times for the proverbial boyfriend, as he’s forced to see movies that do not cater to his brutish tastes. But if a film like “When in Rome” throws in some ancient Roman magic, a stupid amount of physical comedy and that dude from the “Bro Rape“ video, that ought to spice things up for the fellas, right? Wrong.

This gem begins with the heroine (or is it damsel?) Beth flying to Italy to attend her sister’s impetuous wedding, days after learning of her ex-boyfriend’s recent engagement. In Rome, she hits it off with the rugged best man (Josh Duhamel), but it appears that he’s already taken.

Dejected, Beth jumps into the Fountain of Love and takes a handful of coins. You see, when a person takes a coin out of the Fountain, the person that threw the coin instantly falls in love and apparently gains superhuman tracking abilities.

The summary sounds convoluted, but the film is so much worse.

The remaining hour follows Beth as she deals with her bewitched suitors — a street magician (Jon Heder), a struggling artist (Will Arnett), a male model (Dax Shepard) and a sausage mogul (Danny DeVito) — all while trying to find out if what she has with Duhamel’s character is real.

It’s hardly a surprise that “When in Rome” flops on every cinematic front. After all, this is a movie coming from David Weissman and David Diamond, the same screenwriting duo responsible for misfires like “The Family Man.” Either their love of mush knows no bounds, or these gentlemen just love lining their pockets with teenage girls’ allowances.

Combine a schmaltzy script with the staggeringly bland direction of Mark Steven Johnson (he made “Ghost Rider,” for goodness’ sake) and you’ve got a heinously boring movie.

It’s a shame, really, considering the acting talent that was somehow duped into being in this film. Touchstone Pictures had the right idea putting Kristen Bell in the lead role; she’s smart, funny and she’s a total babe. Unfortunately, the plot does its best to turn her into Bella Swan of “Twilight.”

She’s helpless, overdramatic and seeks constant affirmation that her love is real. Is this really how women act in 2010? Somewhere Judith Butler is having another fit.

The other characters don’t have it much better; they’re all hastily drawn caricatures. Duhamel, with his chiseled jaw and boyish charm, is likeable enough as Nick Beamon, despite his stock quality. But the fact that he repeatedly goes after Beth, despite her apparent insanity, is less romantic than it is idiotic. Then again, this is the same guy who married Fergie, so it’s not entirely unbelievable.

Will Arnett lends his comedic grace, but a ridiculous Italian accent mars everything he says. Angelica Huston — a veteran who could have given up crap jobs like this years ago — attempts regality, but the script demands that she act and speak only in clichés.

The only actors who remain likeable throughout are SNL’s Bobby Moynihan, playing Nick’s goofy chum Puck, and Ghostface Killah, whose five-second cameo in this disaster is tempered by the fact that he’s Ghostface Killah.

“When in Rome” tries to be cute and it tries to warm hearts, and while there’s a chuckle to be had here and there, the movie is weighed down by a lackluster script with hyper-telegraphed plot points. If you want a romantic movie, do yourself a favor and dust “WALL-E” off the shelf.

1.5/5 Stars