Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,
So there’s this guy. We are in the same major, have had a few classes together, know each other and have talked a bit. I am always running into him around campus, and I even creeped on his Facebook a little bit … but it’s not what you may think.
After having multiple conversations with this guy, I can tell we are not compatible for a relationship at all. In fact, I don’t even know if I like him as a person. There’s just one thing: I have a weird animalistic attraction to him. When he’s around, all I can think about is screwing his brains out. Basically I want him as my friend with benefits … minus the friend part. How can I make this happen?
—We Ain’t Nothin’ but Mammals

Mammal,
Interesting letter, and a stark departure from the constant flow of “I’m scared to talk to boys/girls” I’m typically barraged with.
Here’s the good news — and by good news, I mean only news: You’re set.
Propose anything that even borders on “all I can think about is screwing your brains out” and he’ll be the most joyful boy on campus.
Because I’m a certified and accredited doctor, I have to stay true to my Sexocratic Oath and tell you to be sure he dons a connie. That, of course, being cool-person talk for “wear a condom.”
Have fun, stay safe and maybe don’t tell him you don’t like him as a human being … unless you guys can use that in the bedroom somehow.
—Dr. Date

Hello Dr. Date,
I'm writing in response to a letter I read in the Feb. 4 issue. The letter, written by a black woman, was about dating white men. The writer moved here from Los Angeles and hadn't ever pursued a white man because she was “busy” with the black men. Not trying to hate, I've only dated black women ... and I'm white.
—Black Lady Liker

Liker,
Small, gosh darn world in Dateopia these days — and a racially motivated one at that. Just yesterday I received a tale of woe from a young Zimbabwean who craved white meat.
I’ll happily facilitate any further yearnings you two have with an e-mail swap.
Thank you, President Barack Obama, for the post-racial America we’re basking in and the accompanying surplus of whoopie.
—Dr. Date

Dr. Date,
My story? I grew up in a small town a couple hours away. I won't say the town's name, but I'll give you a hint: There are fewer humans than cows.
I wasn't exposed to black women in any of my schooling until I went to college in downtown Minneapolis. To say I had culture shock is to say the Atlantic Ocean is damp. I was swimming in a sea of chocolate, and I was loving it.
So now I’m just looking for some love, whether it’s black or white … but hopefully it’s white, because I'm single.
—Rennat

Rennat,
Err, not exactly sure what you’re getting at … I’m glad you’re enjoying human women — regardless of race — more than cows.
How would you respond to this, Dateopia? Jeeze.
—Dr. Date

Dr. Date,
For Tongue-tied Housekeeper [Jan. 27 letter]: When it comes to doing chores, something that's worked well for my guy and me is divvying them up so we're each always responsible for a particular set of chores. For instance, it's his job to do the dishes and my job to do the laundry. That way, we avoid the “but I did it last time; it's your turn!” arguments.
Responsibility for a particular chore is always clear-cut, and if we remind each other that a particular chore needs to be done, there's no basis for an argument over who should do it.
Of course, there's no guarantee he'll keep up on his chores, but at least he won't be able to argue that it's your turn to do them.
—Good Chore Doer

Chore Doer,
You’re absolutely right. But, your solution does lack one critical element: wacky fun!
The following is a Dr. Date-approved list of zany ways to dole out chores/occupy the remainder of my columns space quota!
-Chore wheel! (Spin it for a chore.)
-Chore piñata! (Break it for a chore.)
-Chore shooting range target! (Shoot it for a chore.)
-Chore feed-fish combined with his-and-hers predatory fish! (They eat each other for a chore.)
And that, friends and patients, is how couples stay together.
—Dr. Date