Turning the pages with Chelsea Handler

“Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang”
AUTHOR: Chelsea Handler
PAGES: 247
PRICE: $25.99

Chelsea Handler is a funny lady. She’s funny when she’s not-so-secretly making mad fun of Audrina Patridge to her face on her E! talk show “Chelsea Lately ,” and she’s funny as a talking head on E! counting down celebrity bikini bodies. She’s a bona-fide riot via her essay collections “Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea” and “My Horizontal Life .”
Did we think Chelsea was too busy schmoozing with Justin Bieber to pen another giggly tome? Of course not! She’s back on paper with “Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang,” detailing everything from her yearlong childhood obsession with “the feeling” (read: orgasms) to her dad’s stint as a Martha’s Vineyard slumlord.
Chelsea is just as sharp a writer as she is a comedian and late night talk show host. If you found yourself cackling over her words in “Are You There ...” and “My Horizonal Life,” chances are you’ll enjoy “Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang.”
The book starts off with a Chelsea flashback. She details how, as an 8-year-old from New Jersey, she became obsessed with giving herself intense, fully-clothed orgasms. Apparently she spent a year jacking herself off via swingsets before she got bored and didn’t rediscover her climaxing power until her later years. The book might climax there.
Chelsea spends the majority of “Chelsea Chelsea” talking about the chaotic cast of characters that surround her: her eccentric, overweight father and his cavalcade of used cars; her (now ex-) boyfriend Ted, CEO of E! and Comcast ; her girlfriends and the giant driver she uses when she visits New York City.
Throughout her tales, we get to hang out with Chelsea as her child self schemes for a Cabbage Patch Kid , while she plays vagina-centric pranks on the folks at E! and as she takes the aforementioned driver, Sylvan, on a tropical vacation and attempts to get him laid.
Chelsea is at her best when she’s discussing two things: her childhood and her sex life. There’s a little of each here, but there should be more. It gets a tad monotonous reading about all the different ways Chelsea can pester her honcho boyfriend Ted, who happens to be one of the more endearing figures in the book. You can hear him sigh in defeat as Chelsea demands an in-house dolphin or tries to purchase a mini-horse, just for fun.
As you read through “Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang,” it feels as if she’s sitting right next to you, animatedly telling you about the time she laid in bed for two days watching romantic comedies and eating nothing but Cheeto s and Lean Pockets.
A major strength of Chelsea’s writing is that while she can make merciless fun of her sad-sack father, she cares about him and appreciates his contribution to her ridiculous life. Her eye is incredibly sharp.
“I am fascinated by anyone and everything, especially about a childhood story, about an inappropriate uncle or obesity,” she said in her book.
The stories are funny and compact, often chock full of biting wit and occasionally cringe-worthy confessions and anecdotes, but they don’t make up as satisfying an essay collection as her first two tomes. “Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang” feels hastily thrown together, maybe to capitalize on her current Seacres t-channel popularity.
But please stick around, Chelsea. We wouldn’t mind if you slid into Leno’s spot and found the time to write a few more books like this.

Excerpts — Chelsea’s take on hot issues:
Child Chelsea, arguing with her parents about the desired Cabbage Patch Kid: “If this were a Latter-Day Saints doll, I’m sure you’d be there with bells on and a nipple ring.”
On animal trainers: “People who chaperone animals for a living have never had a girl sit on their face.”
On her mother’s reincarnation: “Spreading brie over my bedspread and coming back to life as a dog is totally something my mother would do.”