Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,
I recently started seeing this guy and of course, things heated up really fast. We were fooling around one night after too many Long Islands at Blarney when my hand slipped down his jeans and discovered something that really caught my drunk self (and my sober one, if we're being honest) off guard.
He's uncut, and I kind of freaked out about it. I've been with my fair share of dudes before, but never an uncircumcised one. Frankly, I'm kind of scared. I don't really know what to do with it. I think I made him a little uncomfortable that night and we haven't talked about it since.
I really like him and want to keep seeing him, but I need your help. Can I overcome my nerves at conquering this strange (and possibly exciting) territory, or did I blow it with this guy?
— Weiner Wonderer

Dear Weiner,
If you’d ACTUALLY blown it with this guy, you’d realize there’s nothing to be alarmed about! I kid, I kid, but really, an uncircumcised penis, aside from looking unfamiliar, is nothing to be afraid about.
We Gen-Y’ers are a highly circumcised generation. Babies born in the late 80s were sliced and diced like deli ham. But recent science suggests circumcision really doesn’t do all that much good, and it’s falling out of fashion.
But back to your dilemma.
A. I doubt this guy’s too rattled. When a woman randomly fondles you in public, the human male’s first reaction is to be absolutely thrilled. If that waned in the slightest since your last rendezvous, the prospect of further junk-grabbing will have soothed his all-natural soul.
B. Get over the foreskin phobia! The un-cut wang may look different, but all the nuts and bolts are there … especially the former.
I take your “really liking him” with a grain of salt; all you did was get grabby at a bar. But even if there’s a dollop of interest, pursue it! And hell, if he’s not for you, at least you can conquer your fear of the flesh.
Happy dating,
Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,
I got seriously drunk at my friend's party this weekend, and I basically took it out on my girlfriend. I said some real jerky things and pretty much acted like a Carlson douche bag. Anyway, we had this fight, and I haven't seen or talked to her since.
She won't answer any of my calls, and I went over to her place, but she won't answer the door. So I'm wondering, how in the hell do you apologize to a girl when she won't even talk to you, because I am lost and willing to pull over for directions.
— The Broken GPS

Broken,
You seem like an earnest chap, Broken — despite your douche-y slip-up. I wish you had said more about your relationship. I mean, if you’re in a sustained, lengthy relationship with this girl, I’d be a bit concerned. Considering the effort she’s using to ignore you, I’d contend you were an epic Carlson-ite that ill-fated night.
Long advice short: ease up. Don’t ignore her, but don’t pursue this apology with reckless abandon; that might throw her off even more. Eventually, if she’s ready to hear you grovel, she’ll lend you her ear.
Here’s the golden rule of what not to do: don’t blame it on the booze. She will — quite justifiably — leap all over that and call B.S.
Yes, basic chemistry suggests that was a factor, but don’t make it your main defense.
Talk from the heart, buy tons of roses and practice this phrase: “I’m such an ass, I’m so sorry.”
Happy apologizing,
Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,
Ok, Dr. Date, I need you to settle something for me. This weekend me and my buddy Jonesy got really ripped and partied pretty hard at my frat (the best one there is). So these girls were pullin’ the middle school card, saying stuff like we'll make out if you guys do.
Well they were really hot and me and Jonesy were like, heck we wanna see this. Needless to say we swapped spit, but now all our housemates are giving us weird looks.
So, the question is, does this make me gay?
— Stevie

Stephen,
I’m leaning towards “no,” you’re probably not gay. It seems like you were drunk more than anything, with a side of not being very bright.
On the other hand, the fact you’re writing in to an advice column about your sexuality suggests there are lingering questions.
My advice? Crack open some Natties, put on some DMB and lock lips with ‘ol Jonesy again. Only way to find out for sure, brah.
Happy smooching,
Dr. Date