Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,
I have a problem. I’ll be in the midst of studying microbiology and be constantly distracted by thoughts of having sex with this kid I’ve been kind of seeing the past week. We’ve only kissed. The thing is, I think he’s pretty boring. This happens with every guy I get involved with. I just get really uninterested after a few dates, but all I want to do is get with them.
Then, when that finally happens, we stop talking. I feel like it’s an endless cycle. What’s wrong with me? Is this how it really feels to be a guy? I just want to find someone who I want to have sex with and find interesting at the same time, but it seems like I can never have both.
— Wants to Have her Cake and Eat it, Too

Cake,
Hmm, your problem doesn’t have a quick-fix, Cake. The obvious question is: Where are you finding these men? If they’re bar hook-ups, odds are there’ll be a weird pretense between you and the dudes. I mean, it’s a sort of cheap way to meet someone and will have the linger aurora of “we banged at a bar.”
Furthermore, things that begin with sex oftentimes have a difficult time graduating that rather primal realm. That is to say, if you guys are gonna put sex at the forefront, further dialogue might be difficult.
But really, I think you’ve just had a string of bad hook-ups. For every interesting, intelligent and exciting young prize like yourself, there’ll be an equally enthralling stud.
Keep your options open and don’t get cynical! You’re (probably) too young.
Happy shopping,
— Dr. Date

Dr. Date,
On Monday you responded to Ugly Lady Lumps, and I think your advice couldn’t have been worse.
I’ve known a lot of girls who weren’t comfortable with their breasts: girls with droopy boobs (but they were big!), girls with oversensitive boobs (but I could almost get them off just by licking), girls with small, insensitive boobs (but we could play rough) ... and one girl a lot like ULL.
She didn’t want to take off her bra because she had inverted nipples. That night we got them to pop out; more importantly we had fun doing it.
ULL might have weird breasts, but not THAT weird, and experience says that she’s her harshest critic. My advice is this: Tell your boy what you’re worried about, and let him decide what to do. And also, if he doesn’t make your boobs feel desired, kick him to the curb. If ULL really isn’t sure, Doc, please refer her to me for a free consultation.
— Creepy Jerk Doodle

Creepy Jerk Doodle,
Believe me, CJD, I aced my boobie practicum in love school residency; and despite your wide travels in the land of jublies, I think I have the truest credentials. Maybe I was a bit harsh with ULL, but I only had her best interests in mind — plus, I did say a good dude won’t care.
Really, what is a “normal” pair of knockers anyway? Everyone’s pair is different and like eye patters, finger prints or a Klingon-esque, malformed forehead, they tell something about that person’s character. I was giving what I think is pretty standard advice that is let your good characteristics shine. It’s the same reason fatsos wearing tube-tops at Wal-Mart are widely frowned upon.
I’m glad you’ve had so much luck with breasts … I guess. But chronic touching doesn’t translate to knowledge or respect.
Happy fondling,
— Dr. Date

Dr. Date,
I have a problem that I don’t know how to ask anyone about. I’m dating a great guy — he’s an excellent skateboarder, always has deep opinions about “CSI,” and usually lasts at least 15 minutes in the sack — but there’s a problem. He’s always on Chatroulette.
Every time I come over, he’s got his laptop on his lap, a big Gatorade in his hand and he’s talking to random-ass creepy people, half the time old men with their wangdoodles out. I asked him to stop, but he said I was being controlling.
I’m worried that his obsession with Chatroulette comes from buried gay tendencies. Maybe he’s curious about the male schwang and wants to get a few eyefuls without leaving a paper trail of swordfight pornos. What should I do?
Sincerely,
— Coveting a Closeted

Coveted,
Your guy sounds like a complete winner. Chatroulette is a modern phenomena and it needs to be taken with a grain of salt — wangs and all.
Your dude probably isn’t even curious about cock, there just happens to be a surplus of it on CR.
As long as he keeps you intellectually stimulated about “CSI” and maintains his bedtime 15, I wouldn’t worry.
Happy dating,
— Dr. Date