Dr. Date

Hey, Doc!
Here’s another one of those “How do I meet people?” letters. Boring, I know, but hey, it’s the summer. Take what you can get! Unfortunately, I haven’t been “getting” anything for a while.
I studied abroad last fall and went out with someone from my program. It was a fun relationship while it lasted, but she lives, works, and goes to school in NYC (ironically, I’ll probably have to relocate there for my job after I graduate). In the meantime, though, long distance relationships aren’t my thing, and there were some problems in the bedroom anyway. She had vaginismus and didn’t seek treatment for it. While I was more than happy to give her “lip service” — it can be fun for guys! — she never reciprocated.
Ever since I came back, though, it’s been almost impossible to meet anyone. Part of the problem is my job — I work at home running a news website (a lot, like 60 hours a week), and since it’s an online thing I don’t get to meet anyone through work. I’m taking a summer language class, but you know how that goes — all the cute girls are working in one group, while I’m practicing with some sweaty middle-aged guy. I’ve been BEGGING my friends to set me up with someone, but to no avail. Help me, Doc! I’ve got love fever, and the only prescription is cowb — I mean a date!
—Date-Fever

Date-Fever,
What’s wrong with the sweaty, middle-aged guy in your language class? I’m sure he’s got the hook up for some hot cougar action.
Older women aside, who are you begging to help you find a date? Usually guys are worthless, because that’s just not how most guys operate. Your female friends may be more inclined and excited to play matchmaker for you. On the topic of begging, you want to make sure you don’t seem desperate. Desperation is a foul-smelling cologne that will only get you a lonely walk home. Talk to your friends, but also don’t rule out the girls in your class currently. Just because you’re stuck with Sweaty McOld-Dude for activities, doesn’t mean you can’t talk to any ladies before or after class. Remember to be patient, as finding someone to date can take a while — for good reasons.
—Dr. Date

Hi Dr. Date,
This is not a love question, but rather a statement I would like to make, as it is printed press. A particular individual at this University has been the target of invasion of privacy and degradation of character.
As a result, any individual who has partaken in these unlawful acts will be prosecuted in the court of law. Many individuals have already been identified, with more to come. Nobody, no matter where they come from or what situation they come from, has a right to compromise the rights another human being.
No one is above the law, we are all equal. In the process, these individuals’ names will be dragged through the mud just as this victim was, but in this case it will be done in a legal and clean way.
—All the best

All the what?
In the immortal words of Arnold Jackson, “Whatchu talking about, Willis?” What, too soon?
—Dr. Date

Hello Dr. Date,
Now that I have everyone’s attention, they can rest easy.
There will be no charges filed, as I am not here to ruin anyone’s career or life. However, let this be a lesson to those involved. It is not right to bash another person’s character, to invade their personal space, to watch them in their own home, to try to publicly humiliate them or to try to intimidate them in any way. These are basic human rights that I would hope anyone would respect of another human being. Have a good one ya’ll, lol.
—Always thinking one step ahead ;-)

Always thinking,
Maybe you should start thinking about making sense!
What the hell, Dateopia? When did my column become a forum for incoherent rants? Don’t get me wrong, I love rants that make little sense and are hard to follow as much as the next person. This is getting ridiculous, though! Send me more letters.
—Dr. Date