Dr. Date

What's up Dr. Date,
I'm a new graduate student at the University of Minnesota and love your column. I think I can spice things up for summer. I'll be totally upfront: This does not involve hobbit fetishes. However, it does involve illegal immigrants. Okay, so here we go.
Basically, it's a boy meets boy story without the happy ending (sigh). I was on this website where guys can meet other guys — some of the braver ones even do webcasts — and this cute guy was doing a webcast. I hate to break everyone's bubble, but he was totally clothed. Anyway, we started chatting and we really hit it off. We exchanged numbers and he called me.
He was an unauthorized immigrant living in Florida. His English was somewhat limited, and my high school Spanish wasn't exactly cutting it, but somehow we managed to communicate quite effectively. We began to chat more and more frequently and soon our phone calls were at least daily and sometimes more. This began last summer. Online, we did some “shows” for each other — let's leave it at that — but we never met in person. Being the generous Minnesotan that I am, I told him how much I would love him to move here.
Wow, given my fear of commitment that seems odd … but I digress.
Anyway, I told him I was “muy enamorado” with him “Cien por ciento.” He seemed to reciprocate. However, there was one little thing that confused me: He lived with an older, also undocumented, roommate, and they seemed to have a very “close” relationship.
Yeah, I think you see where this is going.
Sometimes when we were chatting he'd say “okay, we have to go to bed now.” I was thinking, “Wow, those are some in sync roommates.” They always went everywhere together, and this guy meanwhile is telling me how much he loves me.
Oh boy, here comes the embarrassing part: I may have periodically sent him some funds to get by.
Okay, let's just cut to the chase. I recently found out from him that the roommate was actually his boyfriend. I know, I know: Big surprise. But still, I was shocked; the roommate is much older and not good looking at all.
Apparently they've been together five years. This guy is pretty young, so I'm thinking Daddy issues. Anyway, I was obviously hurt and saddened that I'd been lied to for a year because I had asked him numerous times if the roommate was his boyfriend and he always denied it.
When I finally found out, somehow I came across as the bad guy because according to my little illegal boyfriend he was “muy enojado” conmigo. Not sure exactly what that's about. I think it's because I stopped taking his calls when I found out he had a boyfriend. So anyway, he is a master manipulator and he started texting me and I always end up replying. I know, I know, this is going nowhere, but in the back of my mind I keep thinking how much cuter I am than his boyfriend.
I'm not trying to be egocentric, but OMG this guy has a pot belly and is bald and well geez, isn't that enough? So here's where the advice part comes in.
Should I take the high road and just accept the situation and move on, or should I have a little fun at their expense? Perhaps I could call or text them posing as “la migra” (the INS). I know, I know, that's pretty nasty, but they did lie to me for more than a year. Aren't I justified in a little fun? Also, should I withdraw from classes due to stupidity for not catching on to this little scam a lot earlier?
—No longer a Chipotle Fan

Chipotlaway,
Despite a lack of hobbits, your letter certainly spiced up my interest — especially in a sangria or margarita.
My first recommendation: When you’re looking for a meaty-burrito, go to burrito local — err, loco.
Over-the-Internet dating usually ends up poorly, because there is very little accountability. You need to stop texting this guy back, no matter how much it hurts. He’s just going to keep pulling your strings and making you do things for him, while he reaps the rewards with his criminally-ugly boyfriend down south.
Your best bet is to just make a clean getaway and cut all forms of contact. That includes playing immigration officer — he’s likely to find out it was you and make you feel guilty about it so he can manipulate you more. Then again, who am I to deny someone shenanigans that will bring lulz. It’s not like they live in Arizona. And stay in school, otherwise you’ll spend your entire life getting hustled.
Now where is that margarita?
—Dr. Date

Dr. Date,
I have two questions.
1. When is too soon to give a BJ? I don't want to be a slut, but I have never taken a relationship slowly. Is there a time line I should be aware of?
2. Is there a girl equivalent to jizzing on someone to exert one's dominance? Just curious, because otherwise it doesn't seem fair. It's not like I support the Superman or the pearl necklace, but I would be interested to know if there is something out there for girls that is comparable to what douchebags do to their chicks.
— Rusty Trombone

Trombone Tramp,
If you don’t know — or can’t remember — the guy’s last name, you’re probably giving a blowjob too quickly.
No, there is no timeline, because it depends on the people and what they want out of a relationship. If you’re both looking for a simple booty call, then by all means proceed without knowing last names or anything about each other — just be safe!
If you’re more serious about this guy, maybe hold off a few dates before messing around under the belt. Go at the speed you’re comfortable with.
As for sexual dominance, there are a few things girls can do but they might not have the same psychological impact as “jizzing” onto someone. You could, of course, leave a hot Cleveland steamer on someone’s chest, but that’s not really specific to the female gender. If you’re capable, you can try to squirt onto someone — see Cytherea if you need an explanation. Bonus points on that one if you get it in the mouth.
Back onto the blowjob train, you could always surprise snowball the guy — where you give him back the extracts of your labor. Or, if you get pregnant, you could make him suck breast milk out of you … but he might like that. Plus it requires you getting pregnant.
So yes, there are certainly sexual acts you could do that relate to “jizzing” onto someone. The question becomes: Do you really want to do that to another person? Wouldn’t you rather just find someone to enjoy sexual exploration with?
I guess if you both like such dominating acts being done to you, “jizz” and “squirt” away!
—Dr. Date