Dr. Date

Hi Dr. Date,
A few years back, I joined a fraternity. I have to admit, it was the best college decision I ever made. However, as all good frat bros do, I took an oath to help my brothers by any legal means to better their lives. Cue the girl.
For the last few months I have been seeing this pretty young lady. A handful of my bros are attracted to her, and I feel guilty keeping her and her gifts all to myself. Some of my bros could use the touch of a fine woman.
I just don't know if I can live licking the brass ring, while my bros march through a desert void of brass rings. Like any good lion, should I share the gazelle carcass with the pride?
—Mr. Greedy

Greedy,
What the hell are you doing, bro? Your bros are dying of thirst in the desert and you’re using a bottle of Evian to wash your hands? That’s a low blow, bro.
Of course you share that sweet nectar with your bros … I mean, they’re your bros, right? Didn’t you learn anything in initiation? Girls are meant for passing around to your bros.
Oh wait, never mind. I’m thinking of a cold brew and not a human with thoughts and feelings. I hope this is a joke, otherwise I seriously fear for your fraternity and anyone that walks through its doors.
If you want to share sexual experiences with your bros, schedule a circle-jerk time or buy a house fleshlight. You’re supposed to share your life with your fraternity, not the life of the girl you’re dating. If you really don’t want to leave your bros hanging, ask your girl if she has friends that can come over. Sharing girls is bad news bears, but hooking a bro up with a friend of the girl you’re seeing will make you Broseidon, king of the Broceans.
—Dr. Date

Doc Date,
I am going to be blunt: My girl used to beat me in my sleep. It was scary at first. Around 4 a.m. she would take a whack at me, once nearly striking me square in the groin. This was naturally a big problem … at least until I started to like it when she made contact.
Now that she’s stopped, I want more. Some guys can't wait to get in bed with a girl so they can get laid. Oh, not me.
I cannot wait until those great times when she falls into a deep sleep and starts to beat me. I have confronted her before about giving our sex life some more punch, and for a while she was taking me literally. Now when I bring it up, she only gets really embarrassed. How do I tell her I want her to keep spicing things up?
—Steel Balls

Steel Balls,
Here’s the quick answer: You don’t confront her and don’t tell her you want her to hit you.
If this girl has any sense, she’ll run for the hills if you start asking her to beat you up. If you’re into the more physical end of sexuality, you can certainly explore that with her. But asking her to straight up hit you is whack and not healthy for either of you.
In case you can’t get over the idea of her beating the crap out of you, there is always wrestling. Start wrestling with her and tickling her, eventually she’ll flail enough that she’ll give you a good whack. Just don’t come complaining to me when your balls aren’t quite the steel you thought they were.
—Dr. Date

Yo Datezilla,
I got a problem as big as Destoroyah, and I’m hoping you’re better suited to the challenge than Godzilla.
I’m a fan of a certain sandwich place with freak-ay delivery times. That of course ain’t the problem — anyone who isn’t down with the Jimmy John’s ain’t down with me. Here’s the 4-1-1.
I was getting my sandwich when the girl behind the counter asked me if I wanted bacon on it for free. Despite being shocked, I of course accepted the offer and gladly munched on my pig-carcass addition. Normally I wouldn’t think much of this, but she also added a very flirty “we do anything we can to please our customers.”
If I had consumed a few less drinks at that time, I probably would have picked up what she was putting down. However, all that was between myself and sleeping in the gutter was the sandwich she so craftily constructed for me.
Forgive the raunchy innuendo, but I want to give her some free bacon of my own! How do I ask this sandwich-delivering goddess out on a date?!
—I’ll Take a Side of Dating with My Number 11

Wanting More Than Just A Sandwich,
It’s hard to argue with falling for the girl that hooked you up with free bacon — unless of course, you’re a vegetarian. Let’s be honest, tofu bacon isn’t even worth trying to eat.
Asking someone out while they’re on the job can be extremely awkward and runs the risk of violating company rules.
Play it cool. The next time you see her in there, say you really appreciated the bacon she hooked you up with. You don’t need to go into the greasy details about how much you enjoyed it, but say you’d like to return the favor. Ask her when she gets off work and if you can buy her a drink to repay for the bacon. Of course, this only works if you’re both 21 – but since you said you had drinks in you I’m assuming you’re 21. (Remember kids, the age to party is 21 and not a day before). If you’re not into the drinking scene, you could always offer her bacon at another restaurant — just don’t offer to buy her a sandwich from Jimmy Johns.
—Dr. Date