Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

My girlfriend found out I lied about my parents dying, and I’m really an undercover FBI agent trying to infiltrate a surfing group. Now, my best friend has kidnapped her and is demanding I skydive with him and his surfing buddies! How can I patch things up with the lady?

—Utah

Dear Special Agent,

I’ve seen your type walk into my office before — you’re so disgustingly healthy you probably take the skin off chicken. You might be a celebrated college quarterback, but you don’t have many field hours, and worse than that, you’re young, dumb and full of cum.

And lying about your parents being dead? Rookie mistake — you put a knife in this surfer chick’s heart, bro. Winning her back is going to be a big job, and you can’t go it alone. My advice? This is a two-man job: get a partner.

It can’t be just anyone though. This is a task for the startlingly insane: You’re going to need somebody so obviously unhinged that he wouldn’t hesitate to pull your skydiving friend’s endocrine system out of his body.

And to be sure he’s not going to upstage you in front of your girl, choose a partner who’s a little past his prime, you know, a guy who can barely run and loves meatball sandwiches but who isn’t afraid to jump up on a desk and hang 10, if you know what I mean. He also shouldn’t be much of a looker: A straw-haired, buck-toothed, maniac with a crooked maw should fit the bill.

Once you get to this point, break out of your shell and come clean with your girlfriend: No more masks, no more lies. You can’t run around like Richard Nixon and expect to get off scot-free with this girl. If you take care of her, time and the ocean will take care of your kidnapping friends.

Also, don’t forget to check your chute.

—Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I’ve been stood up by more guys than I can count. And the frequency is on the rise. So my question is, is it me? Or is there something else going on that is causing me to end up dateless night after night?

—Date Night, Dateless Night

Dear Dateless,

I hope this is just hyperbole, or proof that you’re not a math major: There can’t be that many guys who’ve stood you up! But without having any more information to go off, I’ve got to say you’re either incredibly unlucky, or perhaps there is something about you, a bad aftertaste that causes guys to lose their lust.

You can’t let what guys have done to you in the past affect the way you approach them in the future. Don’t dwell on what happened to make those guys fall out of love, instead, think about what you can do to make the next guy fall to begin with.

—Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

Even if sex life is already rich, imagine you have little more energy, if erection stay harder or you go just little longer. Or maybe you worry when you climb under covers that start something you can’t finish.

Is easier than ever to promote strong libido, firm, natural erection and enhanced desire. Truly!

Now thanks to exciting natural breakthrough, you get erection "on demand" and when you do, sustain long enough — and keep firm enough — to fully satisfy wife in bed. Even if you’re in your 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s or older!

As doctor, I learn over years what may surprise you — age has very little to do with sex. There are men out there have best sex of their lives well into their 80th year and beyond.

And those men have three key things in common sex-starved friends don’t:

Hard, recurring erections, heightened desire and stamina, and reproductive system at top of its game. Lucky, no?

But you too give your body nutrients it needs to support entire sexual health. Other treatment option for impotence include vacuum device and surgical implant.

—Borscht In Bed?

Dear Russian Supplement Manufacturer,

You had me on edge, waiting to hear the magical penis pill pitch in this whole rambling mess, but, alas, you disappoint. However, I’m sure my readers will be comforted to hear a fellow medical practitioner say they can look forward to another 60-plus years of good sex.

—Dr. Date