Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

A couple weeks ago, I was approached by a wildly attractive candidate for president of the Minnesota Student Association while he was seeking signatures to be on the ballot. Of course, I willingly signed my name, but the problem is I want to give him much more than my signature when the time is right, but I’m not sure how to do so.

I knew we shared something special when we discussed the dire fiscal crises our state and university are in, and I couldn’t help but find his extensive knowledge of all things related to funding for higher education exceedingly appealing.

He spends plenty of time testifying in committee at the state Capitol, but I’m waiting patiently for the time when he can testify at my capitol, and thankfully for him my legislature isn’t merely part-time. As I can imagine is the case with pursuing all well-known individuals, the chance that he’ll remember me is slim to none. How can I make an impression that will last a lifetime? Also, I hope I can still vote for him online.

—Future First Lady Of MSA

Dear Future FLOMSA,

Unfortunately, your sexy student government hopeful likely has his mind occupied with bigger and better things (no offense to you, of course). But if you spout some of those politically and sexually charged euphemisms the next time you see him, he’s sure to swoon.

Maybe throw in some references to “two-person committees” and “special sessions.” Or is “I want to shred your documents” sexy? I’m not sure. It kind of conjures up the image of teeth ... Either way, just pray your candidate is not of the same mold as Eliot Spitzer.

If your student body sweetheart is eventually elected, drop by his office a few weeks after inauguration and tell him he owes you a date for your signature. That’ll certainly be memorable. And be sure to address him as “The Honorable.” He’ll love that — that’s for certain.

—Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

Much of your advice seems to be all about getting down and dirty. It seems like most of the people writing in have sex-related issues, but you also seem very dismissive toward people who for whatever reason don’t want to just hop in bed.

I assure you there are people of both sexes out here looking for relationships who don’t intend to have sex until well into the relationship, possibly even marriage. That shouldn’t make us strange. I would just like to give a shout out to those around campus who are virgins by choice or who fully intend to have sex not just for the sake of having sex. We do exist, and while many of us are religious, we are not all kooks!

I do love reading the column, keep them coming!

—Waiting Man

Dear Waiting,

Far be it from me to discourage anyone for taking the relationship road — that’s never been my intent. I’m here to help (and often make fun of) all problems related to my professional field, no matter what they are. The meaning of sex is in the eye of the beholder.

It can be purely physical, deeply personal or anywhere in between. No matter what your definition is, I’ll help you out as best I can, so long as you can put up with the occasional (or sometimes frequent) insult. That’s also part of my job description.

—Dr. Date

P.S. In the original version of this entry, Waiting Man insisted that he and his brethren “are not all cooks!” He very politely asked me to fix his typo, and I obliged him, gracious as I am. However, I’d like to point out that virgins around campus are likely not all cooks, either.

Dear Dr. Date,

You give crappy advice. You’re really not very understanding or nice at all. You should probably think for longer than 15 seconds when you’re giving relationship advice. This might be funny to you, but to the people asking for advice, this means everything to them.

—Not Impressed

Dear Jennifer,

Stop writing to me. A restraining order is not a joke, and I don’t want to get you locked up for three to five years. Say hello to your mother for me.

—Dr. Date