Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I am in a rather unfamiliar situation. I am a very, very picky person when it comes to guys, but there are two guys that I am interested in. The thing is, I don’t know whether or not either are interested in me. I see them both often, and have been friends with one for awhile and the other for a short amount of time.

How do I choose who to pursue? Or whether or not to pursue either because I don’t know if they are interested? I am afraid if I don’t do anything, I could miss out on something great. Advice?

—Torn

Dear Natalie Imbruglia,

Is one man warm? Does he come around like he was dignified?

Did one show you what it meant to cry?

These are just some telltale signs that can point you towards your lover-to-be. Just make sure you see what’s there, and not some holy light — illusion never changed into something real.

If you’re cold and shamed, lying naked on the floor, I think you’ve found your answer. I’m not sure what it is though. Take one step at a time.

—Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I have a serious issue. I was on my first homosexual “date” the other night. I use quotes because this man considers me just a friend, which is not a problem. We watched a movie and we started to pet and kiss each other. I was totally fine with that until he held my hand. I almost lost it!

You see, I have a medical condition where my skin is always cold to the touch, which means I feel that everyone else’s bodies are burning hot. I’ve talked to a doctor about this when I was young, and he said it was normal to have cold skin.

This condition has caused me to generally avoid close touching for most of my life. Everybody I touch seems to be on fire, whether it’s a handshake or a hug. I have an extreme sensitivity to heat in general.

Back to the “date.” I held his hand for maybe a minute before I had to pull back. It felt like I was dipping my hand in boiling water.

Since my doctor said there’s nothing I can do medically to change my skin temperature, what do you suggest? I like being close and affectionate to another male, but the warmth from a human body is a great obstacle for me.

—Edward Cullen’s Homosexual Cousin

Dear Mr. Freeze,

It may be that you just have to set limits with your suitors. Be clear when the time to get physical is approaching that you’re ultra sensitive, and hopefully you can find a middle ground. Have you ever tried preheating under a blanket before things start cooking? No guarantees, as I am a doctor of love and not dermatology. But it might reduce your sensitivity — who knows?

And maybe it’s just me, but I think you’re missing the bigger picture here: You are just a short step away from some serious ice-related super powers! And forget that Twilight vampire nonsense, you could actually contribute to society — something Stephanie Meyers and her “books” can’t even dream of.

If you really focus, you might be able to generate sheets of ice to stop ne’er-do-wells or evildoers. Every superhero talks about a sacrifice for the greater good — perhaps this is yours. Do a reverse Arnold, but stick with the cheesy ice metaphors.

—Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date, 

On Thursday, April 7, you responded to someone about their pit-stain problem. I just wanted to let him, you and Dateopia know that you can get Botox in your armpits to stop sweating! You can actually get insurance to cover it too. Sweat-be-gone and then the stress-free dates will start rollin’ in. 

—Dermatological Know-It-All

Dear Maven of Musk,

As I’ve said before, I’m a doctor of love, and nothing else. (I have a Ph.D. in getting freaky, but that’s another story.) So, as any good medical professional would, I consulted with some colleagues, and it turns out this addendum to my previous response is quite on the mark. Apparently Botox can be effective at checking date-ruining hyperhidrosis. So, listen up, uncommonly sweaty men, there may be hope yet.

—Dr. Date